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New app can tell you how good you are in bed

In case you were wondering.

YOU KNOW THOSE new trendy night time apps that give you a detailed overview of how you’ve slept? Apps like Sleep Cycle and Motion X?

Well how about one for other bedroom activities?

A new app called Spreadsheets promises to measure what happens before you enter those blissful sleep stages. Namely, your sexual performance.

The app works in a similar way to sleep apps, using your phone’s integrated microphone and accelerometer to monitor speed, noise and thrusts, before wrapping them all into a handy data package. Charming.

It’s only available for iPhones at the moment, which bodes well considering the makers quote a study that iPhone users are likely to have twice as many sexual partners by the age of 30.

Besides eavesdropping on your sex life, the app isn’t shy about letting you know if you’re not getting any.

A built-in planner allows you to schedule rendezvous, or catalogue a past conquest that stood out in your memory for any particular reason. Riiight. Apparently 7.45pm is the peak recorded time for sexual encounters, just FYI.

Perhaps this isn’t one to link up to your Twitter and Facebook feeds either, we already know too much about your exercise routines.

Thankfully it protects your data somewhat, promising not to broadcast or playback and collected data.

Spreadsheets does not record or playback your session. That would be creepy.

But you know what is slightly creepy? Gamifying sex, as you can achieve points if you complete tasks such as a morning delight or a Sunday sesh. Who you will compete with in this is anyone’s guess.

But why would you ever want to collect this information? The makers suggest you can

Share it with your doctor if you’re trying to get pregnant. Share it with your nutritionist since you’re burning calories. Share it with your friends and let the facts speak for themselves.

The overall intention here is to invigorate sex lives and help couples improve in bed. In short, the more you wail and flail around attempting to unlock levels, the more you improve. Rosemantic. Just be sure to avoid leaving your phone in a nosey friend’s house. Awkward.

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