IRELAND. WE’RE A great bunch of lads and all, but there are some things we just can’t do.
Like…
1. Pronounce ‘Chicago’ correctly.
2. Clap along in time to music. (See: every Late Late Show audience ever.)
3. Not say Barack Obama’s first name as “Barrick”. Ba-rack is too notiony, you see.
4. Walk past a Penneys without popping in for a quick look.
5. Leave Penneys without buying something.
6. Accept any sort of compliment without accusing the person of having lost their minds. “Are you mad? G’way out of that.”
7. Play it cool around any American of any description. A tourist? Let us give you a million recommendations as to what you should do. A celebrity? TELL US YOU LOVE US, YOUR APPROVAL MEANS EVERYTHING.
8. Own up to watching The Late Late Show.
9. Go and stay for just the one. “‘Going for one’ is just a… metaphor.” – Irish people.
10. Wait for the green man before crossing. “Come on, we’re grand.”
11. Be on time for anything at all. Ticket says the gig starts at 8pm? We’ll be there for about a quarter past.
12. Go to a funeral without (a) horsing into sandwiches and (b) critiquing said sandwiches.
13. Be arsed to learn what The Point is actually called these days. (The 3Arena, FYI.)
14. Call it ‘Tesco’ and not ‘Tescos’.
15. Not say ‘Cuid A’ like ‘Cuid Aaaaaaaaaah’.
16. Hear the words ‘micky,’ ‘gee,’ or ‘ride’ and not let out a snigger.
