1. “Dad, your steak looks a little burnt.”
Never, ever question your Dad’s steak. He likes it the way he likes it and that’s “very well done” i.e. a plate of charcoal.
2. “I don’t need a case for my phone.”
As far as your Dad is concerned, this cool leather case is the finest investment one can make. If you are unfortunate enough to have a smashed screen, he will smugly inform you that that has never happened to his phone, thanks to his trusty phone case.
3. “The Shawshank Redemption isn’t very good, is it?”
Your Dad will have you know that The Shawshank Redemption is an excellent film and they don’t make them like that anymore, let me tell you that.
4. “I can’t really see any difference between regular definition and HD.”
DO YOU NEED TO GO TO SPECSAVERS OR SOMETHING? THE PICTURE IS SO MUCH SHARPER. I DON’T KNOW WHAT KIND OF CHILDREN I HAVE RAISED.
5. “Mam said it was okay.”
Do you think your Dad was born yesterday, sunshine? He’s not falling for that one again. No way, José.
6. “That t-shirt is old and embarrassing. You should consider throwing it out.”
Over his dead body. This t-shirt is older than you are and what you would call “vintage”. He will continue to wear it on family holidays until the day he dies.
7. “Dad, were you sleeping?”
No, your Dad wasn’t sleeping. How dare you? He just closed his eye for one second and the only reason he was snoring is because he’s a little bit congested at the moment. God, can’t a man close his eyes around here without being accused of falling asleep?
8. “Oh no, Dad. I don’t need a tenner.”
Oh for God’s sake, he doesn’t want to hear any of that. Just take the bloody tenner.
9. “Let’s watch the BBC analysis.”
And miss what Eamon Dunphy and John Giles have to say? Did you hit your head? There’s nothing your Dad loves more than hearing what Eamon has to say. He’s a firecracker and much better than that shower on BBC.
10. “So what do you want for Christmas?”
What a ridiculous question. You know your Dad wants nothing for Christmas. He never does. Even on the off chance that he does want something, that’s information you’ll have to pry from his cold, dead hands. (Or, you know, your Mam.)
11. Oh, the weather is on. Let’s have a chat.
WOULD YOU EVER WHISHT UP AND LISTEN TO WHAT EVELYN HAS TO SAY? GOD ALMIGHTY.
