1. Ah, Brown Thomas. Home of very fancy scarves and the nicest bathroom in Dublin.
2. I may not belong in here, but I just have to play it cool and act like I’m supposed to be here. Channel my inner Beyoncé.
3. Oh great. I have a hole in my tights.
4. Now if a €690 trinket accidentally falls into my handbag, they’ll definitely think I did it on purpose.
5. I can see the court case already. “Miss O’Connor, isn’t it true that you had a hole in your tights on the day of the robbery?” “Well yes, but –” “No further questions.”
6. Everyone looks so nice in here. I can smell the wealth.
7. Ooh, that’s a nice scarf. I wonder how much it is?
8. €549.99. Right so.
9. Why would you spend that much money on an item of clothing you’d probably just end up leaving in a pub? Sure, I could get 90 scarves in Penneys for that money.
10. Just glance at the scarf for a minute and don’t let on that you’re perturbed by the price. “I could buy this if I wanted. I just don’t think the colour is right.” That’s better.
11. Now to idly stand near the Jo Malone section and contemplate what it would be like to be able to impulse buy €78 rosewood diffusers.
12. ”Can I help you with anything?” Yes, would you be able to tell me what the winning numbers for this weekend’s lotto are so I can purchase this juniper and honeydew-scented stick?
13. *decides to have children on the basis that they might one day buy you a Jo Malone candle for Christmas*
14. Is Charlotte Tilbury the most glamorous name ever? Yes, yes it is.
15. DON’T EVEN LOOK AT THE LA MER STUFF LEST THE SHEER FORCE OF YOUR GAZE CAUSES IT TO TOPPLE FROM ITS DISPLAY AND SMASH EVERYWHERE, LEADING TO BROWN THOMAS FORCING YOU TO PAY FOR IT.
16. (Okay, one sneaky glimpse.)
17. Ah, the queue for Nespresso capsules. The most middle class place in Ireland. I bet the people here only own Good Towels and have conservatories filled with lovely-smelling sticks.
18. I’m pretty sure I’ll officially be an adult once I can afford a Le Creuset casserole dish.
19. “Can I help you?” “I’m just looking.” (“I’m just looking” = “Don’t bother. A personalised jar of Nutella will be the most I’ll buy today.”)
21. Okay, I can’t leave without using the toilets AKA My Happy Place AKA The Calmest Place in Dublin.
22. Is there anything more glamorous than when a public bathroom has a moisturiser as well as hand soap? (Answer: nope.)
23. Sure, I might be leaving empty-handed, but at least my hands smell nice ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
24. Maybe next time I’ll get a little bag that I can put my shoes in while power walking to work.
