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bog rules

The 11 unwritten rules of every office bathroom

Everyone should know these.

THE OFFICE BATHROOM is a potential minefield. So we present a handy guide to its universal rules, regulations, and all other things you need to be aware of:

1. Stick to single-word greetings at all times

Just a ‘hello’ or a muttered ‘how’s it going’ is fine. Don’t start anything more, because you’ll definitely end up stuck talking about house prices (or whatever), literally with your lad in your hand. Or through a cubicle wall, which is even worse.


The only, only exception to this is if all the business is over and you’re both washing your hands. Then, chat away.

2. No lavish farting at the urinal

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Every office has one. The man who sidles up to the next urinal, whips out his undercarriage, and releases a loud and satisfied fart.

If it must be done, do it silently.

3. There is no such thing as a quiet office bathroom

There is only what you THINK is a quiet office bathroom.

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The only exception is if you can use one on another floor where nearly everyone is the opposite sex. Jackpot.

4. No phones, not ever, not at all

OK, it goes without saying that talking on the phone is out…

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… but let’s go a step further and just say no phones, not at all.

Yes, we KNOW you like to play Temple Run while you’re doing your business. But save it for home, because the ‘click’ of an iPhone locking in a neighbouring cubicle is unspeakably unsettling.

5. Maintain proper urinal etiquette

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You know what that means. Maximum distance, no use of adjacent urinals unless absolutely necessary. And DEFINITELY no peeking.

6. Know that sitting down on a warm seat is the worst feeling in the world

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7. Newspapers are a no-no

This should go without saying. Don’t tuck a paper under your arm on the way to the jacks. You are not your dad.

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8. Inadvertent ‘noises’ are acceptable

They’re not nice, but we’ve all made them. Let’s just be grown-up about it.

And DEFINITELY no sniggering.

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9. But just in case someone is waiting it out, do your business and leave swiftly

The telltale sign: locked cubicle door, total silence.

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Don’t do your makeup. Don’t hang around at the mirror looking at yourself. Just imagine their agony and let them be.

10. Spray deodorant is the office-toilet equivalent of mustard gas

What it feels like to you:

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What it feels like to everyone else in the bathroom:

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11. And finally, ALWAYS dry your hands when exiting

Because there is no worse feeling than touching a wet door handle on the way out of a public toilet.

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Equipped with these rules, you are now ready for a painless office toilet experience. Go forth and poop.

Got more rules? Leave them in the comments…

More: 7 tips for a peaceful poo at work>

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