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Dublin: 7 °C Friday 22 November, 2019
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9 things that won't be included in the new sex education curriculum

You can’t teach someone to be prepared for when Mambo No. 5 accidentally comes on shuffle.

Source: GIPHY

MINISTER FOR EDUCATION Richard Bruton announced earlier this week that there was going to be a review of how sex education was taught in Irish schools. This is a welcome move given that most of us were just taught the very basics and the word ‘consent’ was pretty much unheard of.

Source: GIPHY

We’re very welcoming of the review which should mean that things like consent, alcohol and LGBTQ+ relationships will finally get discussed. However, we all know that sex education in school can’t prepare you for everything that comes with sex.

Here are 9 things that sex education just can’t prepare you for.

1. What to do when things go awry with your striptease

We’ve all been there. You’re doing a little sexy striptease and you take off your bra or your underwear and attempt to throw it away sexily and it ends up somewhere it shouldn’t… like the bin. Just me?

Source: GIPHY

2. How to cope when one of you starts laughing

Laughing is natural and is a good sign most of the time. When you’re in the middle of it, it can be a bit distracting and slightly odd though. Try not to worry too much and if it gets too much just crack a joke yourself. Nothing like a good stand up routine in the middle of the ride.

Source: GIPHY

3. What to do when one of you farts/queefs

Letting wind is one of nature’s ways of telling you that your digestive system is working just fine. It also happens to come up occasionally in sex. Just don’t panic and carry on like nothing’s happened. Or else start laughing. Remember, it’s just air guys.

Source: GIPHY

4. The panic of a pet suddenly barging in

Pets seem to have this odd habit of barging in just as you’re about to start having sex or right in the middle of it. You don’t want to ruin their innocent little minds as they watch you get the ride. Best practice is to scream loudly and wave your arms or else throw any sort of food over their head so they will leave. Alternatively lock your door.

Source: GIPHY

5. What to do when a weird song comes on

Look some of us like having sex to music but nothing can quite prepare you for the awkwardness when something like ‘The Bad Touch’ or ‘Mambo No. 5′ comes on your shuffle. Much like hurling, the best thing to do is just put your head down and follow through, the song will be over soon enough.

6. How to hide hickeys

There are some people in this world who believe that hickeys are an ok thing to give someone. You will never be taught how to hide them. Hint: A scarf only works if it’s winter time. Try concealer or foundation or slapping anyone who tries to give you a hickey once you’re both over the age of 12.

Source: GIPHY

7. How to sneak someone out of your house the next morning

If you still live at home then bringing people home undetected is a nightmare. There’s no education that can teach you how to avoid your mother’s bat-like hearing. Unless your partner has the stealth of Jason Bourne, you’re probably not going to pull this off. Prepare for slagging.

Source: GIPHY

8. Just bras in general

Bras can be tricky. Many a time we’ve all been undone by the strappy bastards. Is there one clasp? Two? THREE? Don’t panic and for the love of god don’t snap it either. Bras are expensive. Treat it with care.

Source: GIPHY

9. How to actually enjoy sex

Most of us were taught sex and never heard anything about how to actually get any pleasure from sex. For the record, a thing called the clitoris exists and if you can find it, Irish women everywhere would very much appreciate it.

Source: GIPHY

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About the author:

Rachel O'Neill

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