THE BAFTA AWARDS take place in London tonight.
Right now celebs are primping and preening in advance of the red carpet arrivals, the snoozy awards bit, and the all-important after parties.
What exactly goes on at these things though? They’re just people like us, right?
1. How do they know when to arrive?
When you watch Seacrest interviewing the celebs on the red carpet it always seems like they arrive in perfect clockwork, with the lesser stars processed first before the A-listers make their way through the gauntlet in a perfect Taylor Swift/Jennifer Lawrence train.
Are all the fancy black cars lined up out of sight around the corner, full of George Clooneys and Cate Blanchetts, waiting for their turn to spit their cargo onto the end of the ruby rug?
This video would seem to suggest that yes, yes they they do.
2. Who are all those people in black?
Usually there are more anonymous yet terribly important-looking people wearing black and headsets on red carpets than actual celebrities.
What is their purpose? Why are they so important-looking? Where do they go when the celebs go inside? Have they no homes to go to?
3. Do they have to sit where they’re told?
This is a sample of the seating plan for tonight’s BAFTAs.
What if Tom Hanks thinks Christian Bale is a dose?
What if Blanchett doesn’t want Matt Damon kicking the back of her seat?
4. What’s the story with the jacks?
Does Dame Judi Dench have to queue up with Scarlett Johansson and Leonardo Di Caprio’s ma in order to spend a penny?
If the only urinal available is beside Michael Fassbender, do you wait until another one is free?
This Entertainment Weekly insight from the Golden Globes offers some behind-the-scenes details:
“Excuse me,” says the young woman in the striking red dress. Sarah Paulson, busy fixing her eyebrows in the bathroom mirror slowing turns her head to see her 12 Years a Slave co-star Lupita Nyong’o standing at the sink next to her. They may have played slave owner’s wife and slave on screen, but these two proved to be thick as thieves in the bathroom, where they began screaming like two young school girls when they saw each other.
Oh to be a fly on the wall of an awards show bathroom. The things you’d see (and hear, and smell).
5. Are people langered?
There’s no point in pretending that The Golden Globes isn’t way better craic than the Academy Awards because they get to sit and sink pints (well, fancy wine and cocktails) while the ceremony is going on.
Are most of them almost on their ear halfway through? Does anyone have to be put in a taxi?
Taxi for Roberts!
6. How do they decide which party to go to?
Sure the ceremonies themselves are interesting and Tina and Amy/Ellen/Stephen Fry always entertain as hosts, but surely the after show parties are where the real magic happens?
Film studios hold parties. Magazine publishers hold parties. Celebs hold parties (yo, Elton, call us).
Are the celebs told which events to go to? Are they guaranteed to get in? What if their mates are all at one party and they’re at another party? What if Fassbender and Cumberbatch are dancing AND YOU’RE AT THE WRONG PARTY?
7. Is there drunken gob lobbing?
There has to be, right? There HAS to be.