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Dublin: 13 °C Saturday 20 October, 2018
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Dear Fifi: My internet boyfriend is getting married ... but not to me

Back once again with advice, a shoulder to cry on and some subtle shade, it’s DailyEdge.ie’s resident agony aunt Dear Fifi.

dearfifiheader

Another Bank Holiday down the hatch. It’s back to business, and that means another week’s Dear Fifi. Many thanks for the kind responses to the weighty subject of mental health and work that we tackled last week.

My unsolicited advice this week? Don’t age yourself with that FaceApp yoke. It’s all I can see in the mirror now.

Let’s begin.

dearfifibar

Hi Fifi,

So I’m in a bit of a situation at the moment.. I am currently having an online romance with a man who I’ve known for about 4 years.. I’m crazy about him but the problem is he lives in the States, I’m planning on going over to see him. However there’s a catch… he is getting married in November. He says he’s going to leave her but can’t because he’s supporting her while she studies. I’m at a loss of what to do. I’ve tried ending it but we always seem to come back to each other, this is causing me a lot of anxiety and I’m really at a loss of what to do.

This is more than “a catch” I’m afraid. A catch might be finding out he pees in the shower or doesn’t like musicals. The problem here isn’t that he lives in the States. It’s that he’s in a committed relationship with another woman – one he loves so much that he asked her to marry him. That’s not exactly a trifling concern.

You have to end this – and quickly. Don’t just “try” to end it. End it. This romance is not some mythical force beyond your control. There are no excuses for his betrayal and don’t allow him to rationalise the situation he’s put you in. Supporting his fiancée while she studies is flimsy pretext for this carry-on and I’m sure that deep down you know it, despite how painful it may be to admit. This clandestine contact is deeply unfair to this woman – and to you.

Think selfishly for a moment if that helps. Would you really want someone who would behave this way to the person they’re meant to love most?

Stay away from him. Far, far away. Block him on social media. Only accept communication with him if you have definitive proof that his fiancée is no longer on the scene. Then, and only then, should you even consider meeting him. And even at that, think very long and hard – remember how you found him, because that may be how you lose him.

My advice? Cut your losses. This is bad, but you have the power to stop it before it gets worse. Do the right thing.

dearfifibar

A classic but anyway: my boyfriend’s mother HATES me, to the point my boyfriend’s brother pointed it out one day. My boyfriend has talked to her about it but I feel like he doesn’t even really care, I think he thinks it’s funny. 

You don’t mention whether or not you’ve explained to your boyfriend that this truly upsets you. If you have, and his reaction is to laugh at your feelings, then you’ve got another (bigger) problem to tackle. Maybe he doesn’t realise just how much his mother gets under your skin. Give him a chance to sort things by being open about this. After all, he’s not a mind reader and may just think this doesn’t bother you.

If you have indeed explained and he’s attempted to resolve it but to no avail, then this may just be one of the things in life you have to rise above. The truly important thing is that your boyfriend loves you and treats you well, not his mother. Sure, her liking you would be great, but it’d be a bonus, not an essential.

You’re not obliged to spend buckets of time with someone who treats you with open contempt, however, so limit your appearances at family events to total musts. Hopefully you can grin and bear seeing her a few times a year. Oh – and take some grim satisfaction in being the bigger person here. Good luck!

dearfifibar

Want to talk?

Confess a story, ask for help or just shout into the void for a bit and see if that helps. All welcome. Anonymity totally guaranteed always. 

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