UTV HAS ANNOUNCED plans to launch a new Irish TV station to compete with RTE and TV3.
But will they get it right? There are, of course, certain crucial elements that any self-respecting Irish channel must incorporate.
As a service to UTV, we have isolated the following key ingredients:
1. Anarchic puppets
It is scientifically proven that Irish children cannot be rared correctly without a regular dose of shouting handheld characters. Ignore at your peril.
2. A snazzy logo
The more futuristic, the better. Whoo! FONTS.
3. Anne Doyle
How do we love thee Anne Doyle? Let us count the ways. We’ll agree to forget that time you got the shift from Brendan O’Connor on TV.
4. Grumpy sports pundits
Who are basically exactly like your granda when he’s in the pub.
5. Funky idents with top-notch computer graphics
IT’S COMING DOWN THE TUBE AT ME WOOOOAAAAHH.
6. Keith Duffy
And his enormous biceps. Corrie, Love/Hate, ITV game show The Door – is there anything this guy can’t do?
7. Dodgy Irish-based dramas
Remember Deception on TV3? With Leigh Arnold? Future cultural historians will date all Irish culture from here.
Also, there’s definitely going to be some kind of ‘original programming’ remit on the licence and murderous suburban dramas with Leigh Arnold are a great way to fill it.
8. At least one degrading UK chat show
Aired a week later, obviously.
9. Mattress Mick
Goes without saying.
10. An iconic continuity announcer
Take UTV’s Julian Simmons, for example. “AND TONIGHT ON THE UTV…” Legend.
11. A lottery or scratchcard show populated almost exclusively by auld wans
12. And Craig Doyle.
Some kind of attempt to Make Craig Doyle Happen. Most likely in a chat-show format with a ‘modern’ twist. IT’S TWITTER LIVE WITH CRAIG DOYLE.
You’re welcome, UTV.
What have we missed? What elements must any self-respecting Irish TV channel have for survival? Tell us in the comments…
