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Dublin: 12 °C Sunday 16 June, 2019
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13 very grim properties on the Dublin rental market this March

A shower in a kitchen. Sure, where else would you put it?

1. This month’s roundup kicks off with this €750 per month nightmare in Glasthule, near Sandycove. 

We’re not off to a great start as the bed is placed in the most annoying part of the room. The light coming in from that window is going to be shining in your face every single morning. 

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However, you’ll probably forget all about that when you see what the rest of the room is like. To the right, there’s some furniture which appears to have been taken from a school in the 1940s. Don’t worry, you haven’t seen the worst part yet. 

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Over the other side of the room, we have the kitchen and the shower. Yes, the shower. 

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It doesn’t even include a shower curtain. Is there a toilet? There aren’t any photos of it anyway. 

2. If you’re more traditional and you fancy having a shower in a separate room, you could consider this €832 p/m box room in Dublin 7.

Here’s the view from the bed:

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There’s an entire oven, grill and hob there, but nowhere to prepare any food. Are you supposed to use that chair as a chopping board or counter-top? Never mind the fact that there is no kitchen sink. Maybe that kitchen shower would come in handy after all. Anyway, here’s the bed on the opposite side of the room, which slightly obstructs the entrance.

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Nothing like falling asleep under a fuse-box every night. If you don’t want to look at the fuse-box or the wall, you can roll over and look directly into the bathroom, which does not appear to have a door of its own. 

3. Next up, we’ve got a €780 p/m property located in Dun Laoighaire’s threateningly named neighbourhood, Kill of the Grange.

The bedroom kinda looks like one of those rooms in museums that distort your perspective. 

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Plenty of drawers for storage though. 

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Amazingly, the property even has a separate kitchen, bathroom and living area, which is very unusual for a property listed at this price. 

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When you scroll down to the property description it turns out that it is indeed, too good to be true. This property is for students only, because we all know loads of students who have €780 per month to spend on rent. 

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4. If you are a single adult with a budget of nearly €900 per month, this property on the North Circular Road is seriously one of your options. 

You might want to invest in a pair of sunglasses, because the lighting is ridiculous in this one.

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What the hell are they lighting this room with? Have they harnessed all of the dread and anxiety of people renting in Dublin and created a new renewable energy source? 

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5. This is what you can currently get for €1,095 per month in Clontarf.

Is that a towel being used as a rug? Keep an eye on the position of the little dining table and chairs, because for some reason they are moved to the window in other photos. 

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See? Why not just leave the armchair where it was? That does nothing but create suspicion. 

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You know you’re onto something strange when there are more photos of the local amenities than the property itself, and this one includes some lovely but unnecessary photos of St. Anne’s Park, the beach at Clontarf and the gym beside Clontarf DART station. 

6. In Rathgar, we’ve got a tidy little studio apartment going for €850.

At first glance, this is actually a kinda cute setup. There’s a big, clean bathroom with a modern shower.

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The kitchen is decent too, if not a bit tight. 

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The bedroom however… 

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Yeah, it’s a sofa. 

7. In Citywest, we’ve got a shed situation on the market for €1,100 per month. 

Each night when it’s time to go asleep, you could shut your eyes and pretend you’re in one of the countless horror films set in a cabin, like The Cabin in the Woods, Cabin Fever, or Evil Dead.

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Alternatively, you could lie awake at night and think about how optimistic the person who set a table for four people in this studio apartment was. As if the occupant of this cabin would ever be like, “Yeah, might invite my three friends over to sit in my kitchen/bedroom/living room.” 

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8. For €1,166 per month, you could live in a flat in Malahide that has a kitchen exactly like the one in The Royle Family.

You can just see Denise, Cheryl and Anthony sitting in there having a cup of tea. 

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Here are two pics of the Royle kitchen for reference.

x1080-CuE Source: BBC

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The bedroom is actually quite cute, and an entirely separate room to the kitchen which is a big plus.

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However, this is in Malahide, so it’s quite a trek from the City Centre, which explains thre price. 

9. In Lucan, this very impractical studio apartment costs €1,200 per month.

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It looks like the landlord is trying to advertise this property to Drake & Josh with those two chairs placed there:

drake and josh

There aren’t really any other photos of the property (apart from one at the same angle, only with the curtains closed), except for this photo from the other side of the room which shows a mattress pushed up against the wall. That must be the bedroom, so. 

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10. This €1,250 p/m Rathmines studio apartment features an extremely uncomfortable looking bed.

It’s a mattress on top of two IKEA Kallax shelves. 

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11. Here’s what €1,200 will get you on Blessington Street.

A corner with a bed and a fridge on one side of the room.

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Then this huge mystery cabinet on the other side of the room.

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Surprisingly, this mystery cabinet houses a microwave, a chalkboard, a spice rack, a sink and a draining board. 

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No oven though! This is essentially a fancy utility room with a bed in it. 

12. Okay, this Fairview property is €1,260 per month and it’s extremely difficult to try and comprehend what’s going on here.

Somehow, this photograph of the kitchen which features a fridge on top of a washing machine is the least confusing image of this property. 

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Apparently, it has two separate beds in two separate rooms. If you’d call these bedrooms. Here’s the first one, placed atop what looks like some repurposed pallets that have been spray painted black. Look at the right hand side of the bed – the mattress doesn’t even lie flat on top of whatever this is.

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Here’s the other bedroom, which looks like a building site. Building site might be a bit kind here, actually. It’s more like a scrap heap. 

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Imagine living in close quarters with another grown adult in these conditions. 

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At least there’s a big window to look out of! Oh wait, the view is also extremely grim.

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Let’s see what they’ve got to say for themselves in property description. 

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 With any other property, that sentence might go completely unnoticed. Given the photographs we’ve seen of this one, however… This just raises suspicion. 

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Two seater couch. That should fix everything.

13. On Pembroke Street, there’s a 2 bedroom flat for €1,250 per month.

Might be a bit of a stretch to call this a 2 bedroom flat though, considering that one of the beds is in the communal kitchen. 

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Privacy? Never heard of her.

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That’s exactly what everybody wants: their housemate coming into their bedroom to cook breakfast and dinner every day.

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In the middle of the kitchen/living room floor, there’s also a rug that looks like it was taken out of a secondary school. Standard. 

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Kelly Earley

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