Dublin: 8 °C Tuesday 15 June, 2021

13 of the most miserable properties on the Dublin rental market this October

This month we take a glimpse into studio apartment hell.

1. Here’s what is currently on offer for €650 per month in Drumcondra. 

The good thing about this property is that there’s some sort of division between the bed and the kitchen area. 

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The bad thing about this property, is that the bed blocks access to one of the doors.

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What’s behind that extra door? We’ll probably never know. This is a particularly interesting studio apartment, because it may be the first we have encountered which was so small that the photographer had to lie in the bed to take a photo of the room. Did they really think we wouldn’t notice that shoe?

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Opposite the bed, 25% of the floor space is consumed by a table and chair. The table is extendable, in case you happen to have someone over for food and want to accommodate them a bit more comfortably. For some reason, we don’t think that will happen.

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If you have any desire to lounge on a surface that’s not a wooden dining chair or your single bed, there is a couch. But you’ll have to go out to the back garden to sit on it.

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2. This nightmarish studio apartment in Lucan is worth €675 in the eyes of one landlord.

The end of the room with the bed is a little bit tight, but there’s nothing too unusual going on down there.

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The view from the bed, however, is pretty grim. What is going on with that tiny sink? Is that white thing supposed to be a bathroom door? 

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How about we take a closer look at the kitchen?

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Ah yes, strangely discoloured floorboards underneath the sink. That’s always a good sign. The bathroom situation here is dire too. The toilet might as well be inside the shower. 

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3. This student accommodation is currently up for grabs in Milltown’s Alexandra College, for €750 per month.

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If you’re not familiar with Alexandra College, it’s a private school that charges €7,386 per year for a day pupil, and €18,614 for boarding students who reside at the school for 7 days a week. (This fee is increased to €19,675 for international students). If kids decide to do Transition Year, there’s an extra fee of €650 added onto the price to cover their trips.

There are plenty of other optional costs (€1,200 for music or singing lessons, €600 for speech and drama lessons, etc) which they have listed on their website, but if someone has made the decision to pay €112,334 to put their child through private school for six years, it’s likely they don’t really care how much singing lessons cost.

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As if the school wasn’t raking in enough money, they’re renting out rooms to college students now, too. Eighteen rooms per floor, apparently. 

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Judging by this photo of the building, we’ll assume that the ground floor is used as a common area, rather than devoted solely to bedrooms.

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If that’s the case, then there are 36 rooms (over two floors) rented to students in this building. As the property description informs us, there are only four rooms left, both are without en-suites, which suggests that these are the cheaper rooms.

So, going by the advertised price of €750 per month for the 9 month licence (the only available lease), 18 of these units are bringing in €6,750 each, or a total of €121,500 per year.

In Alexandra College’s 2017 – 2022 strategic plan which is also featured on their website, they state that there are 550 students currently enrolled, “approximately 140 of whom are boarders”. Of course all of these boarders aren’t all going to be staying 7 days a week. The annual fee for those who stay 5 days a week and return home on the weekend is €17,552. Multiplied by 140 boarders each year, that’s €2,457,280.

Add on the student accommodation they’re currently advertising, and that’s a total of €2,578,780 that they’re bringing in each year. All of that money, and this the bathroom they provide tenants with:

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You would feel like you were getting ready for work in a shopping centre’s bathroom every day if this bathroom was part of your daily routine.

4. In Rathmines, this studio apartment costs €1,000 per month.

You wouldn’t want to be too claustrophobic (or clumsy, since it looks like you’d be tripping over at every turn).

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This room actually looks smaller than the prison cells in the 2008 movie Hunger starring Michael Fassbender. The window also looks like the window that Fassbender’s portrayal of Bobby Sands would look out of, minus the high-level security features. And somehow, someone has managed to fit a kitchen and dining room into it.

As always, the foot of the bed is at arm’s length from the oven. 

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5. This Ranelagh studio apartment costs €1,200.

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Things are pretty cramped in the kitchen, but it’s definitely not the worst we’ve seen (although, for €1,200 per month we should all be expecting a little bit more than this).

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The most notable feature in this property is the Murphy bed. 

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The person who posted this advertisement decided to write about the bed in the property description:

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“This type of bed is not seen in many studios and adds to the appeal of this property.” Does it though?

Time and time again we have asked, “Could there possibly be anything more inconvenient and frustrating than a Murphy bed?” In theory, they’re cool when you’re a child playing with one in your Barbie Magic Key House. As an adult, it’s just needless extra labour and not something that you should have to pay €1,200 per month to live with. 

6. For €1,120 you could sleep in a bunk-bed on the North Circular Road. 

This advertisement boasts that the property is “fully furnished”. As you can see…

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It didn’t really take much effort to furnish it.

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Yes. That’s it. That’s the entire apartment, which two people are expected to live in. 

7. A bed & breakfast in Dublin 2 are renting out their rooms on a longer term basis now, for €1,140 per month.

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The worst thing about this is the fact that the advertisement says the rate is lowered from €538 per week (which was €2,152 per month) to €1,140 as if they’re doing you a favour by charging you that much money to live like Alan Partridge.

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8. A single bed on Raglan Road costs €1,290 per month.

Sure, the kitchen is refurbished… 

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But that does not make up for the fact you’re paying €1,290 to sleep in this tiny space in a single bed. 

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9. For just €5 more, here’s what you can get in Stoneybatter.

This property was originally advertised for €1,395 but they must have had some trouble moving it and have since reduced the price to €1,295. 

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Down the other end of this studio apartment, we have the kitchen. 

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Wow. All of that for €1,295 a month. 

10. Or you could live in Dublin 1 for €1,350. 

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Whoever put the second stool there is fairly optimistic about the likelihood that a tenant will be entertaining guests here. They’re even more optimistic if they think that two people could comfortably sit back-to-back like that. 

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To try and make it sound less like they have just thrown a bed into a kitchen, the person advertising the property described this studio apartment as ‘open-plan’. Surely every room in every house in Ireland is open-plan, if this is what passes as open-plan nowadays. 

11. Also in Dublin 1, we’ve got our second Murphy bed of the month on offer at €1,400.

Apparently they’re not as rare and special as landlord no. 5 would like to believe. So here’s the kitchen…

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Here’s the living/dining area in the same room… 

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And you know what’s coming next.

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12. Remember the bunk-bed room earlier? Well you can have the exact same room with a table and stools for €1,400 per month. 

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It is literally the same room, with a table thrown in, advertised for about €300 more. I’m not even going to pretend I understand what is going on here. If anything, this is a much worse deal because it’s harder to access the microwave and set of drawers with that table in the way. 

13. If you have €1,500 to spare, you could live in someone’s extension in Dun Laoghaire. 

When you walk in the door, you are immediately met by a sofa.

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As you can see, just beyond the sofa there’s a dining area (two stools and a table, as always). Then opposite the dining area, we’ve got the bed. 

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Up the hall, there’s the kitchen.

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All of that for just €1,500. What a steal. Not for the tenant though! No, they’re the one who is being robbed.

Have a look at all of the other sad properties we’ve spotted>

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About the author:

Kelly Earley

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