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Dublin: 3 °C Saturday 14 December, 2019
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An analysis of early 90s fashion through Saved By The Bell

Forget big dick energy, it’s all about big hair energy.

A RECENT INTRODUCTION to a Youtube series about an old television character had me in absolute stitches.

PastedImage-4163

Whilst I learnt that my childhood crush was a piece of trash, I also learnt that the fashion from Saved By The Bell was on fire.

And by fire, I meant it escalated wildly from ‘your sex is on fire’ to dumpster fire.

First up on the fashion dumpster fire was Zack’s sweaters. It was extremely difficult to miss the colourful array of Mrs. Weasley-esque sweaters that Zack Morris, piece of trash that he is, liked to wear.

zacks jumpers

If The Sultans of Ping FC had been wearing Zack Morris’ knits, they never would have had to sing a song entitled ‘Where’s Me Jumper‘ cause you could spot these eyesore patterns a mile off.

I also realised that my intense infatuation with the jaw-dropping blonde beauty of Oliver in Call Me By Your Name (played by Adonis-incarnate Armie Hammer)…

oliver Source: Sony

…probably stemmed from my childhood infatuation with Trash, or the character formerly known as Zack Morris.

zack morris Source: NBC

The hair, slicked back, and the colour of golden wheat…the oversize buttoned-up 90s shirts in faded tones, of what looks like soft-brushed cotton, enlarging his shoulders…

*sigh*

My focus was then swiftly brought to my new girl crush.

kelly k Source: NBC

My lust for an Emma Stone lob evaporated in the time it took Kelly Kapowski to swish her way down the hallway of Bayside High School.
https://giphy.com/gifs/alex-2FayVgWmORHdHm65i

Forget big dick energy, big hair energy is where it’s at.

I can’t say I’ve ever seen the appeal of a Bon Jovi shaggy mane, but Kelly was fast making me reconsider everything I thought I knew about early-90s feathered fringes.

fringe Source: NBC

Then, like Kylie Jenner predicted…

year of realising Source: giphy

…I realised some stuff.

The whole summer, I’d been unwittingly channeling Bayside High School cheerleaders.

bayside Source: NBC

Since mid-April, my unofficial uniform each morning had been mid-length swishy skirts, box-fresh white runners, and a casual lil tee on top.

Whilst I may be taking inspiration from Kelly, it appears that many a millennial man has been taking tips from Slater.

wife beat Source: NBC

Slater had guns and Slater was more than happy to show off his collection of arms in an array of brightly coloured wife-beaters.

It wasn’t just Slater who enjoyed a flash of flesh.

Kelly was the unofficial Kween of the crop top.

crop top Source: NBC

Next up on the list was Jessie’s waistcoats or vests or whatever the hell those monstrosities are.

She really liked them…

Jessie (1)

Like, really liked them

vests

Like, really really *really* liked them.

more vests

It’s impressive that someone was able to accumulate so many truly horrifying magician waistcoats to their repertoire.

On a parting note, this analysis really proves that all fashion trends eventually come back into style. Kelly Kapowski was rocking the bicycle shorts look decades before another KK alliteration was…

cicycling Source: instagram/kimkardashian

Kelly’s orange number is nearly making me consider it.

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