1. The ‘Chaz’ Corduroy Shorts ($138 – that’s €120)
These are a pair of corduroy shorts with an elasticated waistband, and the Drew logo on the crotch, which may or may not have been deliberately designed to look like the Skype old logo.
Aside from offering some information on sizing and the materials that these shorts are made of, the product description tells us:
kinda like the chaz pants, but ya know… shorter. great for sitting in bean bag chairs and couches [...] garment washed and dyed, making them unique, just like you
This sounds like it was written by the founder of one of those tech startups where they don’t pay their employees, but it’s all good because they have a ping-pong table and a bunch of free beers in a fridge that staff can help themselves to on a Friday. This painfully forced chill-ness is present throughout all of the product descriptions on the site, so we might as well build a character profile for the person who’s behind it. He sounds like an Ethan, so from here on in, we will refer to this individual as Ethan.
The shorts themselves might have passed without the elasticated waistband, but with it, they’re like a pair of shorts you’d buy for a baby. It even makes the models look a bit like they’re wearing a nappy. It’s a no for the Skype baby shorts.
2. The full length ‘Chaz’ Corduroy Pants ($148 – or €130)
Ethan described these trousers as “perfect for doing the kinds of things you’d normally do while wearing pants”, and for some reason decided to add this fact to the description:
polar bears can eat as many as 86 penguins in a single sitting
These trousers are grand, and could potentially be very nice, but they aren’t really anything you wouldn’t get for half of that price in Urban Outfitters. Considering the mark-ups on prices in Urban Outfitters, that’s a pretty shit deal. If you really wanted to, you could get a pair of these for free if you managed to get detained in any women’s prison in the United States.
3. The Chaz Corduroy Shirt ($148 – or, once again, €130)
If you have €260 to drop, you could combine the trousers with what Ethan describes as:
the classic chaz long sleeve. the kind of thing you wanna roll out of bed wearing
Once again, it sounds like this copywriter is trying very hard. “Hey kids! I wake up in my clothes sometimes! In fact, I do it all the time since Debra left me.” The fact included in the product description of this shirt is that, “7% of American adults believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows.”
Also, how can they call this shirt a ‘classic’ when most people haven’t even been aware of it for 48 hours yet. In general, cord shirts are quite nice, so it’s hard to fault this unless you point out that you could pick something like this up in any Urban Outfitters in the world for a significantly lower price. But then you can’t tell people that you willingly paid for a €130 corduroy shirt from Justin Bieber’s new clothing line.
4. The red Mascot Hoodie ($98 or €85)
Envision Ethan frantically trying to come up with a caption for this product, before finally thinking “Aha! Millennials always say that kind of shit about hoodies!” and typing out this sentence:
don’t be surprised if your ex “borrowed” this one without telling you. we suggest getting a backup
Well, that’s nice of you to ask people to buy two €85 hoodies. I’m actually beginning to think that the person we are calling Ethan is actually a non-playable background character in a video game who makes witty little comments when your character tries on a new item of clothing.
5. The ‘Secret SS Tee’ ($48 or €41)
Okay, hold up. How did this t-shirt get past Justin Bieber’s entire team, a group of designers, and onto his website without one single person saying, “Hey – maybe we shouldn’t name that ‘the SS t-shirt’.” ??????
What the hell does SS stand for in this context? Because Ethan, our chill but enthusiastic tour guide through this website, has failed to explain that anywhere on the site.
Okay. I think we have all seen enough here.
6. The whole line in general…
A lot of people said that this line of clothes was extremely reminiscent of Kanye West’s Yeezy brand, because nobody can really name any other brands that make beige and camel clothes. What it really looks like, however, is if Orange Is The New Black had been a British TV show and then an American TV network announced that they were going to make an American remake of Orange Is The New Black, using a cast of much more conventionally attractive American teenagers. Yeah, we know OITNB is an American TV show, but somehow that makes sense.
Drew House is supposed to be a super chill brand, and the ‘About Us’ section of the website has no information except for what has been written over this photograph of a chill girl, being really chill in her, uh, SS t-shirt:
Wear like you don’t care.
These clothes are not cheap. You can’t wear a €120 pair of sweaty corduroy shorts like you don’t care. This is more like “Wear if you want to try really hard to look like you don’t care.” The final verdict here is that the clothes aren’t horrible, but they aren’t really anything special, either.
