IT’S HOLIDAY SEASON, and some of you are no doubt gearing up to take a flight at some stage in the near future.
We’ve devised a little checklist of things to tick off if you’re stuck in departures, passing time on a long haul flight, or just planning a trip.
Let’s start with before you even set foot in the terminal. You…
Panic about how long it’s going to take you to get there
It’s 25 minutes to the airport, right? Or is it 50? Will we say an hour to be sure?
Become convinced that your 10kg bag is in fact 27kg and 8 feet wide.
They’re going to weigh it right in front of everyone and make a holy show of you, forcing you to bin 7 pairs of flip flops.
Fret that your passport has somehow managed to leap out of your hand luggage en route
If it’s not right in front of your eyes or clutched in your fist at all times it could be ANYWHERE!
Yelp at even the slightest hint of traffic that might somehow create a hindrance to your journey
“WILL YOU MOVE?”
“ARE YOU WAITING FOR A PARTICULAR SHADE OF GREEN?”
A lone vehicle on the M50 at 5.40am becomes the hub of all your rage.
Arrive at the airport with at least two-and-a-half hours to spare
Maybe even three or four hours. Loads of time to browse, you suppose.
Marvel at how it only took 15 minutes to get there
We must remember that for next time.
You won’t remember that. You will panic next time. You will always panic.
Check for passport again. Its a slippery little blighter
“OH JESUS IT’S GON… oh no there it is”.
Peer uselessly at screens belching out information about check in desks
There aren’t that many desks (in Dublin Airport at least). You don’t really need to look at the screens. But it is a rite of passage upon entering any airport.
Join the queue to check in your baggage, marvelling at how 150 people managed to get to the airport and into the queue before you
Yes I did pack my bags myself.
No matter how you say this, you will always look and feel a bit guilty.
OR smugly swan up to one of those self check-in kiosks
You will undoubtedly need help from a floating airport employee, but at least you’ve maintained some semblance of autonomy.
OR head straight for the security check, precious printed out boarding card clutched in your paw
(All the while thinking of the passport and its whereabouts)
Wrestle your pre-packed plastic bag of tiny deodorants and shampoos out of your bag
So organised! Good for you!
OR procure a tiny plastic bag and wrestle all of your tiny shampoos and deodorants into it
Not so organised. You’ll sweat a little bit at that counter where they hand out the bags, feeling everyone’s eyes upon you and your maximum super duper strength antiperspirant.
Join the security line and become immediately panicked when faced with the choice of queue
Hand your passport to the security guard in a fluster, despite knowing that all he wants is your boarding card
His mouth says “go ahead there” but his eyes say:
Become filled with rage as fellow passengers wait until they’re at the top of the queue to start removing belts and watches from their person.
Oh and the 100mls of sunscreen from their backpacks and the iPads from their suitcases.
Get to the top of the queue and realise that you have about 6 unwanted items on your person
You can hear the people tut behind you. You are the lowest of the low. You’re sweating. Your socks don’t match.
Panic as your case sails through the X-ray machine
You know you have nothing dodgy in there, so why do you feel as guilty as sin?
Hold your breath as you slither through the metal detector
PleaseOhPleaseOhPlease don’t let me be the person who forgot about the second belt they’re wearing.
Become enraged at the people languorously repacking their belongings and putting their belts back on
Do they have to do it right where the bags come off the belt? Do they have to do it so slowly? Do they have to exist?
Peer uselessly at the screens to determine your gate…
… only to be told it hasn’t been announced yet.
Now begins the dance of the screens, whereby you become terrified to be away from one for longer than three minutes lest they announced your gate and the closing of said gate without your knowledge.
Consider buying at least four things in the duty free that you would never usually buy
A perfume/eye shadow combo? Skittles flavoured Baileys? A Toblerone the size of a bale of briquettes? I’LL TAKE THEM ALL!
Come to your senses and just buy something from Clinique
Everybody loves something from Clinique.
Quick dash back to check the screens
Still no gate number. Grand.
Purchase a €26 panini and a €9 glass of wine
You are on your holidays after all. And they can charge what they want for things at the airport. It’s the law. €5 for a bottle of water? NO PROBLEM!
Keep one finger on your hand luggage at all times
You don’t want a SWAT team swooping in on it when you turn your back to buy some €7 crisps.
Refer back to the screens to find that not only is your gate number up, it’s flashing and saying ‘BOARDING’!
WTF? How far away is the gate. Where’s your passport? Don’t leave without us!
Run to the gate, arriving to find everyone sitting down and not one bit of urgency
Oh well at least you can sit down for a whil…
Nope! Because people then start inexplicably queuing
You resist for as long as you can, but after about three minutes you grudgingly join the queue, marvelling at the people with the strength of will to stay sitting down.
Finally start boarding, but which end of the plane do you choose?
Back to this again.
Panic when the air steward asks to see your boarding card
Which you have somehow lost between the gate and the plane. Cue several minutes of embarrassed fumbling.
Become enraged at the people slowly shoving their belongings into overhead lockers
SIT DOWN. JUST SIT DOWN. JUST DO IT.
Finally slide into your seat
Checking out all of the available reading materials and the soundness of your seat belt.
Aaaand breathe!
Bon voyage!
Well, how many apply to you? Don’t lie.
