Dublin: 15 °C Thursday 25 July, 2024
curved walls

11 things that always happen on Grand Designs

It’s not Grand Designs if there isn’t a pregnancy.

NOTED LEATHER JACKET-wearer and Grand Designs presenter Kevin McCloud is in Dublin today to appear on the Late Late Show.

He’s also been doing some… em… sightseeing.

In an homage to the return of Grand Designs to our screens, we’re put together a list of the things that are guaranteed to happen in every episode.

Couple living in a caravan

No it’s fine. We’ll just live in this 10 x 8 box with the kids and granny for the foreseeable future. Sure it will be an adventure.

Curved walls nightmare

Why do they always insist on the curved walls? Why? WHAT’S WRONG WITH RIGHT ANGLES?


Inexperienced project manager

i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing-dog Leedshackspace Leedshackspace

This is how it plays out:

  • The wife/husband announces they’re going to be the project manager. 
  • Kevin does a sharp intake of breath and a head shake of disapproval. 
  • Kevin tries to hold in an “I told you so” as it all falls to sh*t.

Kevin pitches in

He’s not above helping out with some roofing or hay bale insulation.


A timber frame is ordered from Scandanavia

It’s delivered on 17 trucks that don’t fit up the driveway.


A pregnancy

Wherever Kevin McCloud goes, a pregnancy follows. Just saying.

Freezing cold

Winters seems to last 7 months in Grand Designs land.


Kevin does a sceptical piece to camera

He doesn’t think they’re going to finish on time. He definitely doesn’t think they’re going to be on budget.


Baby appears out of nowhere

Somewhere along the way a baby appears on a hip, and Kevin waves awkwardly at it. It looks suspiciously like him.


Seven squillion pounds over budget


Shut-up-and-take-my-money Procrasti-nation Procrasti-nation


Kevin is forced to eat his words as the finished house is revealed.

Marriage is in tatters, but by god they installed the 3 billion pound lighting in the guest bathroom and got that Welsh slate up on that roof and you’d better believe they’re going to live together bitterly under it.


You have to hear Irish comedian David O’Doherty’s strangely accurate Grand Designs song

Is this the ugliest billion-dollar stadium you have ever seen?

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