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Smut

12 of the bleakest pieces of sex advice from celebrities

“Little breaths rather than big loud screams.”

FOR AS LONG as celebrities have been a thing, people have been asking celebrities about their sex lives.

Sometimes, though, they shouldn’t have to answer.

1. “Women don’t like their nipples twiddled like radio tuners.” – Jennifer Lopez

the_munificent_sasquatch the_munificent_sasquatch

(Mirror)

2. “Basically, my answer for everything is just get drunk” – Emily Mortimer

A Train A Train

(Nerve)

3. ”Everyone should wax all their body hair and have sex like seals” – John Mulaney

vanz vanz

(Nerve)

4. “If there are strange noises or your heads bump or whatever it is, I would say just keep going” – Brody Jenner

je@n je@n

(MensJournal)

5. “When you’re talking dirty to us, call us a whore and not a prostitute” – Jane Krakowski

skampy skampy

(TheFrisky)

6. “I would urge people, men especially, unless they’re bisexual, to avoid the two-male threesome. You’re essentially getting less there than you would have got anyway. Half the involvement in sex and at least doubled the risk of someone farting in the room. And the constant threat of what I know as ‘nut brush’” – Russell Brand

Tambako the Jaguar Tambako the Jaguar

(Rolling Stone)

7. “Tits is too harsh, breasts is too sterile. Go with ‘boobs’” – Sarah Silverman

supersum supersum

(Nerve)

8. “Little breaths rather than big loud screams. Otherwise you sound like a porn film” – Cheryl Cole

pHotosHo0x pHotosHo0x

(Cosmo)

9. “I once did it in an NCP car park. God, it was really seedy but great” – Dani Behr

griff le riff griff le riff

(Mirror)

10. “Bonk me over the head, throw me over your shoulder.” Cameron Diaz

roberthuffstutter roberthuffstutter

(Metro)

11. “Go at him with love and give him a blow job” – Gwyneth Paltrow

PJunior PJunior

(This would be fine, only it’s actually her advice for solving arguments.) (HuffPo)

12. “Go to your nearest sex shop, ASAP, and go on a serious shopping spree and buy every single thing you can afford, and then figure out what to do when you get home with your girlfriend” – Spencer Pratt

tuppus tuppus

(TheFrisky)

AAAAAHHHHHHHH.

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