Dublin: 11 °C Monday 20 March, 2023
# Smut
People are live-tweeting the worst bits from the new Fifty Shades of Grey book
“Her nipples extend further.”

THE LATEST BOOK in EL James’ blockbuster Fifty Shades of Grey series hit bookshelves and Kindles this morning.

Several stores in Ireland opened early, to accommodate the rush of shoppers (like Henry McKean off Newstalk).

And amid the frenzy, many dedicated readers (some of them, admittedly, doing it for work purposes) are ploughing through the book and live-tweeting the best bits.

It’s… pretty eye-opening.

Here’s what we’ve learned from the howlers so far.

1. Christian Grey is obsessed with his green car to a bizarre degree

2. He goes out without drying his hair like a MAD YOKE

Also, he talks about himself in the third person and refers to that person as a ‘louche fucker’.

3. He has a thing about shoulders for some reason

4. He is SO NEEDY. Who asks someone ‘Are you impressed?’?

5. Anastasia smells like his grandfather’s apple orchard. Trees? Bugs? Worms? We don’t know.

6. He has a special thing where sound can travel directly to his groin

7. Meanwhile, she has the weirdest nipples ever

8. The sex scenes are just as incredibly awkward as always

9. Really.

10. And he’s into some pretty innovative stuff

11. But not sex with dead people, apparently. Thank the Lord.

12. “As she tells me she likes her tea weak and black, for a moment I think she’s describing what she likes in a man.”

What Christian? What? Think about what you just said.

13. Personality-wise, Grey is pretty creative. He comes up with great plans like ‘getting a tie from the wardrobe’

14. Basically, he’s like talking to the most boring date of your entire life

15. Did we talk about the modelling? Let’s talk about it.

16. Essentially, nobody is enjoying this very much

Happy reading, everyone!

Giphy Giphy

More: 21 honest thoughts I had while watching 50 Shades of Grey>

More: This Irish granny’s foul-mouthed reaction to Fifty Shades of Grey is priceless>

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