AS ANYONE WHO has lost a loved one will know, the days and months that follow their death are littered with milestones which bring the pain of their passing roaring back with a force that leaves you feeling momentarily powerless.
Special occasions, birthdays, and anniversaries are just some of the days we are forced to navigate in the wake of their death, and – for many left behind – Christmas is a time which requires the most strength.
Indeed, the first Christmas without a loved one can be exceptionally painful, made all the more agonising by the level of festivities you are forced to endure when your heart truly isn’t in it this time around.
If this is your first Christmas without a friend or a family member, and you’re facing into the holidays with a heavy heart and a head full of worries, you’re not alone.
DailyEdge.ie spoke with the Irish Hospice Foundation, who offered advice on how to navigate Christmas after saying a final goodbye to a loved one, as well as how to offer support to loved ones following a recent bereavement.
Acknowledging the difficulty endured by many, they said:
Whether it is the first Christmas without someone who has died, or whether multiple Christmases have passed, the absence of a loved one is heightened around the holiday season. The emphasis tends to be on being happy, on dreams coming true and on wishes being granted and this contrasts sharply with how a grieving person feels.
They advise you and your family to plan the day in advance in order to incorporate the memory of the deceased into your day in a way that makes everyone feel comforted.
“Some people set an empty place at table; others like to light a candle to remember the person, others raise a toast at the beginning of the meal or set a time during the day for visiting the grave,” they say.
And while you may be willing to invest in the day as much as possible, your family members may not be in the same headspace. And that’s OK.
If your grieving friends or family members can’t ‘do’ Christmas Day acknowledge their very real feeling. If possible divide up the day leaving options for them to join and leave again; just morning breakfast, just the Christmas lunch, just a walk after Christmas lunch.
“Be sensitive and patient,” they add. “Grief is not all about sadness and people grieve in different ways; tempers can flare, feelings can be hurt.”
But if it feels like you’re almost holding your breath, just willing the festivities to come to an end, the Irish Hospice Foundation advise you to open your mind to the idea that joy can be found even at the most emotionally-draining of times.
It helps to be open to good moments and experiences that may happen over the festive period – sometimes we can be surprised by moments of simple joy in the midst of a challenging time.
And what if you’re not the one who has suffered a bereavement, but a friend or loved one?
Trying to do the ‘right’ thing for this person can be nerve-wracking, such is your desire to help or comfort in a way that is meaningful to them.
“While people may feel like withdrawing from Christmas, it is hard to avoid, and Christmas can intensify loneliness,” acknowledges The Irish Hospice Foundation
They advise you to offer your grieving friend or loved one options at this time.
Continue to invite them to events rather than assuming they won’t want to come because one offer was refused. Offer to arrange a lift, ask if they would like to come for just an hour. Provide company in other ways, arranging a walk, or an activity.
And remember, there is no right or wrong way to approach Christmas following the death of a loved one.
Every feeling and emotion is valid, and while these feelings may change and pass over time, always look to someone for support if you need to.
