IF INSTAGRAM IS anything to go by, everybody is out here rustling up dishes that wouldn’t look out of place between the pages of a cookbook.
You, on the other hand, are still dependent on your old reliables – dishes that only require a baking tray, an oven and, if you’re on a health kick, a handful of rocket.
Don’t get us wrong, you’re not completely clueless when it comes to nutrition, but you’re utterly uneducated when it comes to cooking, in its truest form.
And even though you’ve (kind of) mastered a couple of very quick and easy dishes, you’re simply not at home in the kitchen, and often feel like a fish out of water when attempting to prepare a meal.
Oh, and you won’t know the day nor the hour when you’ll blow up the entire kitchen.
And if all of that sounds familiar, so will all of this:
1. You often stare at the hob for a worrying amount of time in an effort to ascertain which knob correlates with which plate.
‘Bottom left….so…. it must be this one? Why is it not heating up?’
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2. You have regularly placed food in the oven without turning it on.
You may have turned the knob, but you definitely didn’t flick that wall switch.
3. On some occasions, you have actually turned the pre-heated oven off after placing the food inside.
You can’t stop flicking that wall switch now, and this time it backfired.
4. You have yet to make anything in a saucepan without needing to scrape the burnt residue off in the hours that follow.
How do other people do it? Your pans look like they’ve survived a volcano.
5. If the microwave is an option, you will go for it every single time.
And you don’t understand why someone would opt for the hob option. Who are they trying to impress?
6. You struggle to believe anyone who says they find cooking relaxing.
Like no, sorry, what?
7. You don’t trust yourself, and habitually shred your chicken into pieces to ensure it’s cooked through before placing any in your mouth.
Safety first, people.
8. You have regularly ruined dishes which are universally considered piss-easy, like porridge and noodles.
One out of every four occasions it will go drastically wrong, and you will have no idea why.
9. You think you’re super-fancy if you have two pots a-bubbling at the same time.
And so what if the contents of one looks unrecognisable, you never claimed to be Gordon Ramsey.
10. You have never made a roast dinner.
So many things to think about at the same time.
11. You can’t even fathom the idea of tackling a Christmas dinner.
It’s just… no.
12. You are regularly forced to eat an almost inedible dinner because it’s vital you save face.
Even if you’re the only one you cooked for.
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13. You don’t know what blanch means.
And you can only imagine what julienne is.
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14. You regularly fish packaging out of the bin because you don’t trust your memory when it comes to oven pizza.
And you’re still not sure if yours is a conventional or fan oven.
15. You have attempted a handful of dishes with the help of a cookery book over the years.
And while it may have looked like the picture, it tasted nothing like they promised it would. Unless failure is a taste, that is.
16. 50 out of 52 weeks of the year your grocery list will look exactly the same as the previous week’s one.
And then there’s the couple of weeks of the year when you feel ambitious, choose a recipe, buy the ingredients and throw the result in the bin.
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17. You genuinely struggle with the idea of putting a few hours preparation into a dinner.
Like, seriously you’ll spend approximately 8 minutes eating it. Why bother?
