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Dublin: 3 °C Saturday 16 November, 2019
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9 things you will only know if you had batsh*t crazy neighbours as a kid

‘They’re after calling the guards on that toddler.’

GOOD NEIGHBOURS ARE an absolute bloody joy.

neighbours

And you rarely realise it unless you’ve had some proper batsh*t crazy ones.

As adults, it means either tiptoeing around the sensibilities of someone who claims you breathe too heavily or navigating the warzone created by someone who shouldn’t be living among normal-functioning humans.

As kids, it’s much worse. Well, not really, but it felt like that at the time.

stressed kid

And here are just a few things you’ll recognise if your childhood was punctuated by run-ins with the estate’s most-hated neighbours.

1. They refused to return your ball.

Yes, you belted it over their wall for the 15th time in an afternoon, but Jesus Christ, just give it back, and let’s all move on with our day.

All this talk of ‘bursting the f*cking thing’ isn’t endearing you to anyone, Martin.

2. They didn’t open their door on Halloween.

Or worse, they gave you an apple. And not even a caramel-covered one.

You’d know better next year.

3. They banged on the window as a means of communication.

You’d be minding your own business playing Tip the Can about two metres from their gate, but you may as well have been burning their car out as far as they were concerned.

Who’s to say you wouldn’t trip and accidentally make contact with the frame, forever tainting the paint job they had done on it seven years previously?

4. They literally told on you to your parents.

And lads, we all know your crime amounted to sweet eff-all.

Luckily enough, this was one of the few times your parents publicly sided with you against another adult.

5. They had ‘a way’ with newcomers.

They either tried to ingratiate themselves with the newbies because they knew everyone else on the road hated them or they closed ranks and did their best to make the new family feel like they were walking on eggshells.

Honest to Jaysus, had they nothing better to do?

6. Their kids were a different breed.

And who could blame them growing up in that household?

While the rest of you were dragging the heads off each other in the middle of the road, they were sitting on their front wall watching you from beneath their fringes.

7. They had the guards on speed dial.

If it wasn’t about a neighbour’s mate parking in front of their house, it was about the noise level coming from a nearby barbecue.

The good thing was the guards hated them almost as much as everyone else did.

8. Your family always got a kick out of the latest altercation.

There you’d be watching the saga unfold through the front window.

“Your man’s after calling the guards on that toddler.”

9. They were MAD for the silent treatment.

When all was said and done, most of our families would keep the peace and try to overlook your man’s attempt to have a toddler arrested, but in a bizarre twist, he was rarely on for that.

Nope, he was above everyone else on the road, and loved nothing more than blanking everyone within a 1/2 mile radius.

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