Dublin: 7 °C Wednesday 22 March, 2023
# fourth floor
8 soul-crushing realisations about department stores
Will someone please just lock us in overnight?

CLERY’S IS BACK in business today after several months out of action.

We welcome back the Dublin institution with open arms, but not all department store experiences are as joyous as a jaunt in under the famous clock.

It’s time we came to terms with them…

1. They’re lying to us


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2. You’ll never be able to fold the shirts the way they do

You can watch all the videos you want, but you’ll never get there.

3. Don’t turn right

Department stores place all of their best swag to the right of the door, because they count on you to turn right.

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Why not stick it to the man and turn left. I’M SPARTACUS!

4. You’ll find the ‘up’ escalator easily enough…

… but it’s trickier to find the ‘down’ because THEY NEVER WANT YOU TO LEAVE.



5. You will see at least 6 children dying of boredom

This will bring back painful memories of your own childhood, sitting under a rack of skirts in Arnotts, or Switzers, or Guineys for what seemed like days.

6. You’re going to be disappointed by your visit to the café

Located on the 5th floor, department store cafés are where paninis and bakewell tarts go to die.

You will be so parched by the 69 degree celsius heat in the store though, that you’ll be glad to choke back a €2.79 sparkling water.

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7. There’s never a bunch of lost priests in the lingerie section

No matter how hard you look.

8. You’re never going to get locked in overnight

This was your childhood dream, right? Ours too.

You’d be able to eat all the pick n mix:

Pick 'n' Mix EEPaul EEPaul

Jump on all the beds:

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And play with all the toys:

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Share your department store experiences in the comment section. And if you ever got locked in overnight, you’re our hero…

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