Dublin: 15 °C Thursday 28 September, 2023
# road wars
The 14 unwritten real rules of Dublin Bus
Please observe.

1. Move down the bus

MOVE DOWN THE F**KING BUS. We know your stop is coming up in 8 stops, you special snowflake, but MOVE DOWN THE BUS.

2. If you’ve nothing left on your Leap card and you know you have nothing left on your Leap card, don’t knowingly hold it up to the machine and then feebly wave it at the driver when the machine rats you out

leap jdhayes jdhayes

Your pitiful shrug means nothing. You know there’s no money on it. We know there’s no money on it. The driver knows there’s no money  on it. STOP HOLDING US UP.

3. Take your turn at the Leap machine

It can only scan one at a time. No amount of impatient huffing and pushing is going to change that, you important b***ox.

4. But don’t take too long at the Leap machine

5. Close your effing legs

6. Move your bag

Oh, you fancied a seat to yourself, did you? Your bag is made of rare unicorn pelt and needs it’s own resting place does it? GTFO.

7. There is no more vile substance on earth than Dublin Bus window condensation

Avoid at all costs.

8. Don’t sit so close to someone so that they’re forced to touch off the manky window condensation

Please see number 7.

9. Play anything out loud off you phone at your own peril

Not a jury in the land my friend. Not a jury in the land.


10. Why not send a nice, reasonable text?

Nobody wants to spend their journey home hearing about what COLLETTE DID AT THE WEEKEND NO SHE DID AISLING I SWEAR TO GOD SHE’S SOME CARD.

11. Police your child and its fondness for staring at strangers

“Madam. Your toddler has had me in a death stare for 17 minutes. Is it sucking my soul? I feel like it’s sucking my soul”.

12. If you drop a bottle on the floor of the bus, pick it up, you animal

Nobody wants to listen to it rattling around for the next seven hours

13. Always push the button. Always wave frantically for the bus to stop

Dublin Bus drivers are among the most unpredictable creatures known to man. If they want to sail on past your stop, by God they will. Don’t leave any margin for error.

14. Keep your sick feet on the floor

Where they belong.

And if you have ever considered removing your shoes, take a long hard look at yourself.

Any more? Feel free to add them in the comment section…

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