Dublin: 11 °C Saturday 1 April, 2023
# cuppa joe
11 essential facts of life for people who don't drink coffee
“No, I don’t drink coffee. Yes, I can function without it” – you, 20 times a day

1. Fellow adults regard you with a degree of suspicion when you say you don’t like coffee

You can feel them judging you with their eyes.

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2. You’re regularly asked questions like, “How do you even survive?”

And treated to tales of how they “actually couldn’t cope” without coffee.

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3. People often try to convince you that you’ve simply been drinking the wrong coffee

“Oh, you’ve only drank instant coffee? See, that’s where you’re going wrong. I guarantee if you have a Nespresso, you’ll never go back.”

Nope, I’m grand, thanks.

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4. You don’t know the difference between a cappuccino and a macchiato, and frankly, you couldn’t give two shites

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5. But you do occasionally find yourself unable to participate in conversations in the work kitchen

Person #1: Oh my God, I’m so wrecked. I’m going to need three coffees this morning.

Person #2: Saaaaame, I don’t know how people live without coffee.

You: *makes tea in silence*

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6. You don’t really relate to half the internet


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7. If this is what coffee does to people, you don’t want any part of it

Tea drinkers would never be this intense.

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8. Going on a coffee run for someone else is extremely stressful

“Can I have a… grande… latte?”

Seriously, this is all Greek to you.

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9. To say nothing of trying to use a coffee machine

*fumbles for a few minutes with French press before giving up and offering to make tea instead*

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10. You’ve been known to have a hot chocolate on particularly wintry mornings

Sure, it may be only 9.45am, but you deserve hot drinks like everyone else.

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11. But hey — think of all the money you save by not drinking coffee

Who’s feeling smug now?

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