Rita Ora is nice but her sister Kia is much more cordial

— Louise O'Connor (@oconnola) July 9, 2015

my dad has just taken dad jokes to a whole new level pic.twitter.com/S7pklb4EhX

— jess🌱 (@jess_huntx) July 26, 2016

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

— Jake Lambert (@jakelambertcom) November 27, 2013

Dad: *makes chemistry pun*
Me: Wow you're alkynes of funny
*we crack up laughing at our chemistry puns*

— Anthony (@anth1222) October 14, 2016

what idiot called it dadbod and not father figure

— Tim Pope (@tpope) May 19, 2015

A-B-C-D-E-F-G
H-I-J-K-phosphorous
Q-R-S-T-U-V
W-X-Y-and-Z

"um why did u say phosphorous"

becuase its the… EL-EM-ENT-AL P

*classroom explo

— jonny sun (@jonnysun) July 25, 2015

Why did they make Courteney Cox?
Because Lisa Kudrow.

— Gabby Hutchinson Crouch (@Scriblit) July 31, 2013

ME: I'll see you in a month
WIFE: Don't forget to write
ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon

— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) July 26, 2016

Vet: your horse is lame.
Me: *looks at horse through window* he looks fine?
Vet: *cleaning his glasses* he's a fucking loser Dave.

— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) July 20, 2015

Welcome to Sexual Innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming.

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) July 13, 2015