Dublin: 3 °C Tuesday 28 November, 2023
i'm dying

The 18 truly dramatic stages of having a cold

‘Tis the season!

i'mdying Pinterest Pinterest

1. Think “Wow, I haven’t been sick for ages! I’m a beacon of health.” This is the important first step towards a truly dramatic cold

2. Immediately hear someone sniffing and coughing in your vicinity, and vow to make their existence very unpleasant if they do it close to you

3. Continue about your day at peace, unaware that something awful is stirring deep in your sinuses

4. Sneeze. Feel suspicious, but shake it off. It’s the dust or something

andysneeze YouTube YouTube

5. Begin to experience the symptom commonly known as Cloudy Brain, and realise that you are suddenly operating in slooooooow motion

6. Finally understand what Eminem meant when he said “His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy”

7. Tell a few people that you’re feeling rotten, but feel you’re not getting enough sympathy for your plight. Can’t they see that you are suffering?

8. Ring your mam. She says, “You sound sniffly. Do you have a cold? Poor dote”. TRIUMPH

sneeze Instagram / tissuetiger Instagram / tissuetiger / tissuetiger

9. Plunder the gaff for tissues. There are simply not enough tissues in the world to plug the leaky tap that is now your nose

10. Do a particularly disgusting sneeze and hope nobody was looking at you. Lock eyes with your boss as you’re wiping away

11. Look balefully at the pharmacist and hope that she sees you, really sees you for the husk of a person you have become

12. But she just throws a packet of Nurofen Cold and Flu at you and you come to the startling realisation that you’re just like everyone else right now

13. Constructing a sickbed of blankets and pillows on the sofa, beseeching your housemates and/or significant other to ferry you cups of tea

14. Secretly want to take the day off work, but needing someone else to suggest it first, just to vindicate you even further

15. Make the call to your boss, adopting a husky tone you feel suits the occasion, maybe even a little cough or a sneeze for authenticity’s sake

16. Lie in state in your manky tracksuit bottoms all day, hoovering up the lovely Vitamin C tablets from the Uniflu and proclaiming “Oh I’m SMOTHERED” to anyone who will listen


17. Make a miraculous recovery about halfway through the day and decide that actually, maybe you will be able to go for drinks later

18. Tell everyone about your brush with death. Soak up their concern and feel truly yourself again. Thank god you survived

DailyEdge is on Instagram!

Michael Fassbender pitched his carpool karaoke episode to James Corden>

Piers Morgan praised Kim Kardashian for using her platform to promote gun control>

Your Voice
Readers Comments
This is YOUR comments community. Stay civil, stay constructive, stay on topic. Please familiarise yourself with our comments policy here before taking part.
Leave a Comment
    Submit a report
    Please help us understand how this comment violates our community guidelines.
    Thank you for the feedback
    Your feedback has been sent to our team for review.

    Leave a commentcancel