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Not the News

Here is the week's news... skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Obesity helping the recliner chair-smuggling business; rural drinking a lifeline for rural Garda stations; GAA jealous of soccer ball boy phenomenon.

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Obesity epidemic enabling smuggling into Irish prisons

Monday, 21 January

The Prison Service has blamed the obesity epidemic for helping visitors smuggle items into Irish prisons.

Widescreen TVs, recliner chairs and karaoke systems are among the contraband visitors have succeeded in smuggling into prisons.

New security measures catch many of the smuggled goods but a significant number still get through concealed in visitors’ bodies.

“It’s the obesity epidemic,” a Prison Service spokesman said. “Years ago no one could smuggle a recliner chair in a body cavity.”

Rural drinkers offer lifeline for rural garda stations

Tuesday, 22 January

A decision by Kerry County Council to press for drink-driving permits for rural drinkers could save rural garda stations from closure.

“This could turn things around for us,” a rural garda said. “Our stations wouldn’t have to close, our lives would have meaning.”

The council accepted a proposal from Councillor Danny Healy-Rae to press Justice Minister Alan Shatter to allow gardaí issue permits for people to drive home after a few drinks.

It is not yet clear if a garda will have to drink with people to ensure that they’re not just pretending to be drunk. “That’d cost a fortune in overtime,” a security analyst said.

Bertie saves his friends a fortune by accepting full pension

Wednesday, 23 January

Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has saved his friends a small fortune by accepting his full €150,000 pension.

Mr Ahern reversed a decision to give part of his pension back to the State.

Friends of Mr Ahern said his “big-hearted” decision to keep his pension was typical of the man.

“Fair play to the Bert,” a friend said. “He knew we couldn’t afford another dig-out for him. He’s a real pal.”

GAA may introduce assaulting ball boys after Hazard incident

Thursday, 24 January

The GAA could look to introduce assaulting ball boys after Chelsea’s Eden Hazard kicked a ball boy at Swansea.

“I don’t know if they should introduce assaulting ball boys but it would make a refreshing change from assaulting referees,” a gaelic football fan said.

“It’s a pity the assault on the ball boy happened during a soccer match,” an analyst said.

“It makes it difficult for the organisation to embrace what is obviously an excellent concept for the GAA.”

‘Too late’ to halt the spread of food

Friday, 25 January

It is too late to halt the spread of food, according to a troubling report from the WHO*.

The report confirms that food is now the number one threat to human health.

Disappointingly, it found that a food scare, like horse meat in beef burgers, simply served to drive people into the arms of other foods.

“There is something about food,” a scientist involved in the research said. “We have a degree of success persuading people about the dangers of alcohol, drugs and tobacco. But our warnings about food fall on deaf ears.

“People seem to respond to an ancient folk memory about food being nutritious and tasty and they eat it as if that were still the case. They believe in fairytales.”

The scientist accepted that the WHO were partly to blame for previously encouraging people to eat a balanced diet.

“I don’t know what we were thinking. We contributed to a situation where restaurants and shops openly trade in food despite the harm it causes to innocent people.

“You even have supposedly loving parents callously serving food up to their children. And the education system encourages the same children to bring food to school in lunchboxes. We all must share the blame.”

The report concluded that with people eating several times a day every day food was now an epidemic. “It’s out of control,” it warned.

* Weird Health Organisation

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News>

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