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Here is the week's news... skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Burgers first past the post; Labour reminds us, ‘I woz ere’; all back to Coppers after bank debt deal.

Image: Julien Behal/PA Wire

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Public warned not to eat burgers used as urban horses

Monday, 4 February

The Food Safety Authority has warned consumers not to eat beef burgers that have been ridden bareback by youths in built-up areas of Dublin.

“It wouldn’t be hygienic,” an FSA spokesman explained.

Burgers have recently become a cheap alternative to urban horses as they don’t require feeding.

“They’re grand until they start to thaw,” a young urban horse rider said. “Then they start to fall apart between your legs.

“But they’re fast. They could win a race. It’s all down to the breeding of the horse in the burger.”

Labour dismay as Fine Gael plans general election

Tuesday, 5 February

Labour TDs were seeking counselling this morning after Fine Gael started planning the date for the next general election.

“No one remembers the Greens, no one,” a distraught Labour Cabinet Minister said.

“Unless you count RTÉ and no one counts RTÉ,” he added.

The Minister, who was too upset to remember his name, defiantly carved a few simple words on a toilet door in Leinster House.

“I was here,” it said. “I was, wasn’t I?”

Who put the words in the Taoiseach’s mouth?

Wednesday, 6 February

Sources have not been able to explain to The Mire why Taoiseach Enda Kenny failed to offer a State apology to victims of the Magdalene Laundries.

“It’s hard to believe he’s the same man who said: ‘The Report of the Ryan Commission shames us. It shames us as a State and as a Society’.”

“You’d have to wander who put the words in the Taoiseach’s mouth,” an expert in the inexplicable said.

“It’s as though he’s channelling the Iona Institute or afraid of costing the State money… but that would never happen in Ireland…”

Muppets film begins shooting in Leinster House

Thursday, 7 February

A new Muppets movie began shooting in Leinster House last night amid chaotic scenes.

The Muppets… Again! sees the famous puppets embark on a global tour that brings them to Dublin.

However, local muppets tried to take over the production as filming got underway in Leinster House.

“Some Irish muppets tried to steal their scenes,” a witness said.

“Enda, Eamon and the bald bloke kept leering at the cameras,” he added.

“Enda seemed to think he was playing Count von Count. He just kept shouting numbers at everyone.”

Italia ’90 all over again as Ireland celebrates bank deal

Friday, 8 February

In scenes reminiscent of Italia ’90 Ireland has been celebrating its bank debt deal.

A triumphant Michael Noonan strode across St Stephen’s Green with his entire staff. “See you all in Coppers,” he told waiting journalists.

“They’re still playing spin the bottle in there with Brendan Howlin as the bottle,” a garda on duty at the nightclub said 24 hour later.

In school car parks around the country grandparents gathered to mock their little grandchildren. “It’s not our debt, it’s yours,” they chanted. “It’s not our debt, it’s yours.”

The little innocents smiled as they didn’t realise the import of their elders’ words.

In maternity hospitals, pregnant women took up the chant as they kicked back at the babies they carried.

“It’s not our debt, it’s yours,” they sang until they were hoarse. “It’s not our debt, it’s yours.”

Read previous week’s editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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