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Lost in a lift: James Reilly emerges relatively unscathed. Mark Stedman/Photocall Ireland
Not the News

Here is the week's news... skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: SIPTU president wins Oscar; hopes rise of a politicians’ strike; Pope quits over Croke Park II; Lift chaos leads to primary care centre.

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Jack O’Connor wins Oscar for ‘best actor in a supporting himself’ role

Monday, 25 February

SIPTU were celebrating this morning after general president Jack O’Connor won an Oscar for best actor in a supporting himself role.

O’Connor faced stiff competition from other negotiators on both sides of the Croke Park II talks at the Lansdowne Hotel.

It is thought that the judges favoured his comic timing and ability to deliver implausible lines with a straight face.

“When he said he was ready to go to war, audiences around the world cracked up laughing,” our entertainment correspondent said.

Minister for Public Expenditure Brendan Howlin will have to wait until the Emmys to see if he has won for his portrayal of Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones.

Howlin pledges no further cuts to ministers’ pay

Tuesday, 26 February

Public Expenditure Minister Brendan Howlin has assured his Cabinet colleagues they will face no further cuts in wages if they accept the new Croke Park agreement.

However, his fellow ministers were understood to be unimpressed with Mr Howlin’s promise.

“All politicians are spoofers,” Finance Minister Michael Noonan said.

“Next he’ll be asking us to believe election promises,” Communications Minister Pat Rabbitte said.

Protracted industrial action by ministers could follow a Cabinet rejection of Mr Howlin’s proposals.

“That could only be good for the country,” an economist said.

Irish people warmly welcome tax on Pat Rabbitte

Wednesday, 27 February

The people of Ireland have warmly welcomed the idea of a tax on Pat Rabbitte.

The Communications Minister introduced the concept himself and said it could be in place within a few months.

“I like the sound of the Broadcast Charge,” a Dublin man said. “Every time Pat Rabbitte opens his mouth he gets taxed, isn’t that it?”

“I heard Pat Rabbitte will be taxed whether we listen to him insulting us or not. That’s deadly.”

Pope quits over Croke Park II proposals

Thursday, 28 February

Pope Benedict XVI is to resign today in protest at the Government’s Croke Park II proposals.

Before resigning the pontiff advocated rejection of the proposals on public pay.

“How did Labour come to this?” the Pope asked as he prepared to vacate office. “Someone should give that Howlin fella a slap.”

“Now leave me alone,” he added. “I’ve a box set of Father Ted to watch. It’s the anniversary of Dermot Morgan’s death you know. It’s funny how the mind wanders.”

Man who helped Reilly escape lift gets primary care centre

Friday 1 March

An engineer who helped Health Minister Dr James Reilly escape from a broken lift was astonished to find a primary care centre in his front garden this morning.

The man said he was in two minds about whether or not to accept the unsolicited medical centre.

“It’s ruined the lawn,” he said.

“But I suppose it could come in handy. I’ve been worried about my heart.”

“Here we go again,” his wife said. “Bloody hypochondriac.”

Read previous week’s editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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