HOME ALONE IS a Christmas classic, but it isn’t without its head-scratching moments.
Look, we’re aware that the whole thing is about a child fending off two burglars with only his wits and some household objects, but it’s little things in between that are the most ridiculous.
1. Firstly, look at this house. This house is preposterous
The size of it. There are probably 10 rooms they never even see from one end of the year to the next. It’s hard to believe anyone ever had enough money to buy a house like this.
2. We meet the McCallister family as they prepare to travel to Paris for Christmas, which is the most Rich People thing ever
“What are ye doing for the Christmas?”
“Ah we’re just heading off on a transatlantic trip. Just the 15 of us. Hate the stress of doing Christmas at home!”
3. The McCallister parents are upstairs, where we discover that they expect Kevin, an eight year old, to pack his own suitcase
His sister says: “You’re completely helpless. Everyone has to do everything for you.” Probably because he’s eight years of age and would probably pack 14 Action Men and a single pair of socks, but OK!
4. In fact, pretty much all the McCallisters are terrible people
Why are they always shouting? Why are they so aggressive? Do they care for each other at all? Why do they ignore both the cop (well, Joe Pesci in disguise) AND the pizza guy as they stand in the hallway?
5. Buzz eats Kevin’s pizza on purpose, and everybody jumps on Kevin for reacting angrily to this
It was his pizza! Buzz knew this. Buzz is a pox. Send Buzz to the third floor to sleep next to bed-wetting Fuller, you pack of ticks.
6. Uncle Frank feels perfectly comfortable with calling his young nephew ‘a little jerk’
Over the course of the film, Uncle Frank will prove himself to be the worst example of McCallister rudeness. Even worse than Buzz – he’s a teenager, a few tough years in secondary school will sort him out. Uncle Frank can go away and shite, frankly.
7. Kevin says everyone in the family hates him, and his mam doesn’t disagree
Even if Kevin wasn’t left home alone at Christmas, thus proving his point, this would have stayed with him for quite some time.
8. The McCallisters sleep in, and as they zoom around getting ready for their flight, a young neighbour wanders over and meddles with their bags
Really, this guy is the problem. Not the tree falling on the electricity lines, not the pizza fight – this little gurrier, poking his nose in and messing up the head count.
9. The adults put themselves in first class and leave all the kids in economy
We can’t blame them for wanting to get away from their horrific children, but why inflict them on all the people in economy?
10. Uncle Frank compares forgetting a child to forgetting his glasses
Kevin’s mam has just realised Kevin is missing. She’s freaking out, hours from home and thousands of feet in the air, and Frank thinks this is a cool thing to say:
Oh yeah Frank. That’s great. Can you please go be a garbage person somewhere else?
What’s more, Kevin’s dad responds “We didn’t forget. We just miscounted.” No. You do not get to absolve yourself of any blame here, Kevin’s dad. We can see how you and Frank are related, all of a sudden.
11. The Chicago police are supremely unbothered by the news of a child being left home alone at Christmas
Kevin’s mam calls them from Paris, at which they faff around between departments for an age before agreeing to send a police officer over. The police officer is just as useless as they are.
You’re banging on the door in the middle of the night! The child has just been menaced by robbers! Do you think he’d open the door? TRY HARDER.
12. And this guy is literally called ‘ballsack’
We see you, John Hughes.
13. Kevin, mind obviously addled from the trauma of being left home alone, starts delivering long monologues to the mirror
The poor mite. He’s not right.
14. His mother then has to BRIBE this couple to let her get on a plane home to her son
Unable to get a flight straight to Chicago, she begs two aul dears to give up their seats. They take some convincing.
What is wrong with people in this movie that they hear “My tiny son is home alone and I really really need to get back to him” and shrug? Why does she give them all of her personal effects before appealing to their better judgement?
15. Meanwhile, Kevin is setting up a series of increasingly violent ‘pranks’ to foil Harry and Marv, none of which actually do the job
Of all of them, this one is the one that should have finished off Harry and Marv instantly. Or at least knocked them out for a few hours. It just isn’t fair.
16. Two seconds after Kevin’s ma finally returns home, the rest of them pile in
She’s been on a cross-country road trip with John Candy, at her wits’ end, and just as she’s having her quiet moment with Kevin the lot of them arrive in, roaring, having caught a direct flight from Paris. What’s new there, says you.
17. Kevin doesn’t tell them about the incredibly traumatic experience he’s just been through, though
He says he just “hung around”, for reasons we’ll never understand. You were almost murdered, Kevin. You can tell your parents.
18. The most ridiculous thing, though? They do it all over again
Those bloody McCallisters. They deserve everything that comes to them.
