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Dublin: 6 °C Friday 22 November, 2019
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I watched Love Actually for the first time and here's every single thought I had during the film

There’s no way that little boy learned how to play drums in like three weeks.

THIS YEAR, THE classic Christmas film Love Actually turned 15 years old.

For almost a decade and a half, I avoided watching it because I generally hate every film about bumbling yet charming, posh English men like Hugh Grant and Colin Firth. I had constructed a very strong idea of what Love Actually was about, from screenshots, gifs and quotes I had seen over the years on the internet, but this year I decided I’d finally watch it and see what all of the fuss was about.

I realised it had been taken off of Netflix after going up last Christmas, so I went to the effort of getting a lend of the DVD from my sister in the year 2018. The night I watched the DVD also coincidentally happened to be the night that it aired on television, because I went on Instagram afterwards and saw several people put “OMG LOVE ACTUALLY” on their stories. 

Here’s every single thought I had:

  1.  The movie opens with a screen that says ’5 Weeks before Christmas’, and a montage of various Christmas scenes in London and loads of people ice skating and department stores with all of their decorations up. There’s no way there’d be that many Christmas activities going on during the second last week of November. 
  2. Okay, so Hugh Grant is supposed to be the COOL Prime Minister, who curses whenever he wants. This is consistent with my idea of what Love Actually was like before I began watching it. 
  3. Keira Knightley and her husband were obviously very rich and definitely could have afforded a better wedding DJ. 
  4. Alan Rickman could probably get fired for telling his staff members to “go have sex and loads of babies” with each other. 
  5. When Martine McCutcheon brought those biscuits into the Prime Minster on a plate, they were arranged in a triangle shape. Who puts three digestive biscuits in a triangle on a plate instead of just piling them up?
  6. Liam Neeson and Emma Thompson have a very similar haircut in this film.
  7. My younger sister just asked me, “Is Liam Neeson the one in Cáca Milis?” 
  8. There are way too many people in this film.
  9. Hugh Grant calling Margaret Thatcher ‘saucy’ is the worst thing I have heard in my entire life.
  10. When Hugh Grant walked in on Martine McCutcheon and the President of the United States, he probably should have been more concerned because of the power imbalance. Looked a bit dodgy, and was especially weird after the President made that sexist comment about her in the hallway. Weird that he didn’t bother to check was she okay after that and just fired her instead.
  11. Even weirder that the only reason Hugh Grant is showing any kind of spine and standing up for the UK against the US President now is because he’s jealous that the President was kissing a girl he fancied. Presumably, if that hadn’t happened, he would have just let the US walk all over him.
  12. One of the characters has tubs of Cadbury’s Heroes on the table, and they’re in the tall, long tubs instead of the wider tins. I totally forgot they used to come like that. They should bring them back, but then again it probably makes more sense for shipping and merchandising if they’re in the short round-y containers like all of the rest of the Christmas sweets. 
  13. Why did they call the Prime Minister a ‘golden oldie’ on the radio before playing Jump by The Pointer Sisters? Realistically, if someone Hugh Grant’s age in this movie was the Prime Minister, they’d never shut up about how young he was compared to all of the UK’s former leaders. 
  14. The wedding video that guy made of Keira Knightley is sooo creepy and not endearing at all. You’d actually think you were about to get murdered if you saw someone had made a film like that starring you. 
  15. Okay now that secretary is definitely sexually harassing Alan Rickman.
  16. Oh, never mind. 
  17. This chap at Keira Knightley’s front door is being ridiculously disrespectful holding up these signs while her husband (who is his very close mate) is sitting right inside. That’s really inappropriate. 
  18. No British Prime Minister would ever sing a Christmas carol to kids at their front door the way that Hugh Grant just did there. Instead they’d take away their free school lunches and tell them to get a job. 
  19. Hugh Grant driving around London knocking on random doors with police and security to find a woman he fancies is a waste of taxpayer’s money. It’s hard to believe that 10 Downing Street hired somebody without making any record of their address too. 
  20. Okay, now that he has finally found her house, the police are bringing him and her entire family to the nativity and the police have overloaded their car and are allowing the children to sit on a parent’s lap with no seatbelt. This should be a national scandal. Imagine if someone like Paul Murphy did that in Ireland. 
  21. Oh, Joanna pointed at other kids while she was singing “All I Want For Christmas is You”, this is probably going to turn Liam Neeson’s son into a men’s rights activist. 
  22. There’s no way that child learned how to play drums in like three weeks. 
  23. There’s also no way that child would have gotten that far through airport security so soon after 9/11 without lethal force being used on him. Have you ever seen how tight airport security is in London? Also, adults can barely find their way through airports in a rush, so how is this little boy doing it? 
  24. Okay there’s also no way that Colin Firth learned how to speak Portuguese in three weeks either.
  25. It’s a really bad idea for him to propose to this Portuguese girl too, considering the fact that they only kissed once and it was like a tiny peck on the lips. 
  26. Why the hell is everyone just socialising in the airport at the end? Who does that?
  27. There’s also no way the Prime Minister would come through arrivals with all of the regular people, either. 

Well, that’s it. Here’s a photo of Emma Thompson and Liam Neeson’s hair to illustrate my earlier point. 

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It wasn’t the worst film I’ve ever seen, but I will not be in a rush to make watching Love Actually a Christmas tradition any time soon.

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Kelly Earley

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