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What would the Avengers be like if they were Irish?

Captain County and Scarleh Witch would be some excellent additions.

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR has just been released and people are losing their minds over it.

I confess that despite being a big Marvel fan, I have yet to see the new Avengers movie. Instead I decided to re imagine the Avengers as if they were Irish superheroes. Here’s what I came up with.

1. The Unit

Instead of the Hulk I present the Unit who loves rugby a bit too much and insists on drinking 4 to 5 litres of whey protein every day. He only eats chicken fillets and has protein milk with every meal. Every time he transforms, his slightly too tight Leinster jersey is ripped to shreds.

2. Scarleh Witch

Scarleh Witch has the power to recount every single embarrassing thing that you have ever done and tell it back to you in excruciating detail. Remember that time you shifted Sean in the Gaeltacht and accidentally bit him? You repressed that traumatic memory but Scarleh Witch will remind you of every little detail.

3. Hawkeye

The name is the same but Irish Hawkeye is very different. Basically the Croke Park system has become sentiment and is going around telling people if what they say is over the line or not. It’s especially effective in nightclubs when drunk lads are trying to chat up people.

4. Captain County

A fine replacement for Captain America, Captain County is your favourite GAA-obsessed lad who will tell anyone who listens how he once got trials for county. It doesn’t matter that these were under 12′s trials for Carlow. He made county. His super power? He’ll make you drink pints of milk until he gets whatever information he needs from you.

5. Iron Man

The Irish Iron Man studied Buisness and Law in UCD before moving onto the KPMG grad programme. He insists on talking to you about stocks and portfolios every time he gets near you. He has a vast collection of chinos and boat shoes. He’s probably called Oisin or Orin or Oscar.

6. Black Wagon

Instead of Black Widow, Black Wagon will be as annoying as possible about everything ever. She will moan consistently about being hungry but not knowing what to eat as well as being in a bad mood for discernible reason. She will make your life a living hell.

7. Daddy Long Legs Man

We have no venomous spiders in Ireland but I think we can agree that Daddy Long Legs are insanely creepy. Hence a man running around dressed up as a daddy long legs should be an effective weapon against any aliens that attempt to invade the Earth.

8. Thar

It’s Thor but he’s been transformed into an Irish verb or his name is being pronounced in a Cork accent. Either way he’s about to talk the arse off you and there’s not a single thing you can do about it.

9. You’re A Star-Lord

He once appeared on ‘You’re A Star’ but got knocked out at the audition stage. He doesn’t think very highly of Louis Walsh but is determined to make it to Eurovision one way or another. He cannot sing and so is best placed to torture people with his terrible version of ‘We’ve Got the World’.

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About the author:

Rachel O'Neill

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