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old skool

13 things you'll need to be an Irish granny

The Irish Granny Starter Kit.

EVERY IRISH GRANNY has these things. It’s practically the law.

1. An ancient Nokia that somehow still lives

Nokia3510i Wikimedia Wikimedia

You’ve gone through five phones in the past three years, but Granny? The Nokia 3510 is still the one.

2. And her own phone number carefully sellotaped to the back of it

Bx6sAwGCcAAy4Ev Twitter / @AlexABowers Twitter / @AlexABowers / @AlexABowers

Just to be sure.

3. A plaid shopping trolley

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For the messages.

4. A portable radio

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Tuned to her preferred local station and regularly referred to as a ‘great little gadget’. 

5. A gas heater

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Easier now than fiddling with the fireplace, says she.

6. A seemingly endless supply of sweets

#dzieńdobry Instagram / ewaria Instagram / ewaria / ewaria

How do they get the sweets? No idea. Irish grannies are never witnessed buying sweets in a shop. But they always have at least three different kinds.

7. Copious amounts of Mass cards

You would swear I was dying #religion #masscard #sayalittleprayer Instagram / lostirish Instagram / lostirish / lostirish

Either ones she has received or ones she’s meaning to send. Everyone’s getting a Mass.

8. And a rake of mini Holy Water bottles

#Holywaterbottles #CIChurchBookshop2 Instagram / amazing_grace_bookshop Instagram / amazing_grace_bookshop / amazing_grace_bookshop

Gifts from friends who made pilgrimage to such exotic locales as Lourdes and Medjugorje.

9. A Sacred Heart

sacredheart Instagram Instagram

Ideally, in a spot where the grandkids catch sight of it as they’re stealing Twirls from the press. He’s watching you.

10. A stack of back issues of the RTÉ Guide

CgWc8jsXEAIPaDs Twitter / @KillianM2 Twitter / @KillianM2 / @KillianM2

Grannies: Single-handedly keeping the Guide in print.

11. Crocheted covers for the spare bog roll

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Heaven forbid they be SEEN.

12. An image of Pope John Paul II and/or Padre Pio

Sean Paul II veille sur moi. #johnpaulii #vatican #dieu Instagram / vic.badabor Instagram / vic.badabor / vic.badabor

Again, put in a spot that ensures maximum discomfort for guests.

13. And a good heavy Foxford blanket* for the bed

Vintage wool blanket. Love this colour. 175cmx220cm. Available from my etsy shop. Link in bio. #woolblanket #vintage #vintageblanket #checks #woollenblanket Instagram / collinsstcreative Instagram / collinsstcreative / collinsstcreative

*Or any other sort of heavy woollen blanket. The scratchier the better.

Checked off all the list? Congrats – you’re now an Irish granny.

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More: 12 things Irish people with a heap pf cousins will understand>

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