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"He's not the Messiah; he's a very naughty boy." PA Wire
Not the News

Here is the week's news... skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: The country is ‘fraped’ with snow; Pope Francis feels let down by Ming Flanagan; horsemeat scandal neigh fair to the rich?

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mirehas an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Senators and TDs to decide if internet is cause of snow

Monday, 11 March

A committee of senators and TDs will meet later this week to decide whether the internet is causing snow to fall around the country.

“It is almost certainly the internet,” Senator Fidelma Healy Eames said. “What else could it be?”

“It is fraping the country with snow.”

The committee will hear testimony to the contrary from RTÉ Weather presenter Jean Byrne but is unlikely to take it seriously.

Papal conclave gets underway with swimsuit round

Tuesday, 12 March

The papal conclave gets underway today with the much anticipated swimsuit round opening proceedings.

This round has generated considerable excitement this year as it is rumoured that one of the possible popes will sport speedos.

“I’m so excited I’m breathing white smoke,” a Cardinal said.

The ballgown round scheduled for tomorrow evening is also expected to be a highlight with early reports suggesting that it’s all about plunging necklines this year.

Mullingar mother of five ‘too busy’ to become next Pope

Tuesday, 12 March

A Mullingar mother of five who works part-time in Lidl has said she is too busy to become the next Pope.

“I run the house, I have the school run, I work three days a week in Lidl, I haven’t time to ponce around being Pope,” she said.

“Telling other people how to live their lives is more of a job for a man anyway,” she added.

The woman’s decision has dashed the admittedly faint hope that the papacy would go to someone who could multi-task.

Did ‘kindly’ gardaí cause Ming to stop smoking?

Wednesday, 13 March

Harrassment by gardaí offering to quash penalty points for him could have caused Luke ‘Ming’ Flanagan to quit smoking dope.

“The chances are he couldn’t spark up but there’d be a kindly guard or another State official on his shoulder offering him a favour,” a source said.

“The poor man’s probably paranoid. No wonder he stopped smoking spliffs.”

Pope Francis says Ming is ‘no Jesus’

Thursday, 14 March

Pope Francis surprised many on his first day in the job when he said he felt let down by Luke ‘Ming’ Flanagan.

“We had high hopes for Ming when he arrived on the scene,” the new Pope said. “But he has let us down.”

The Pope insisted that no self-respecting Messiah would try to get their penalty points quashed and then blame someone else.

“He might have the look of Jesus but he’s no Jesus,” the Pope said.

The Pope stopped short of calling for Flanagan to resign. “His future is a matter for the people of Roscommon–Galway East,” he said.

Horsemeat scandal discriminates against rich

Friday, 15 March

As the horsemeat scandal continues to unfold it has become clear that the wealthy have very few opportunities to eat it.

“If you are poor you get horsemeat whether you want it or not,” a food equality expert said. “But the rich are less fortunate.”

“Unless they specifically request it, usually in a restaurant in continental Europe, they have very little chance of getting to eat it,” he said.

“This is clearly discriminatory. Wealth should be no barrier to unknowingly eating horsemeat.”

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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