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Inside track

12 truths we learned about the Oscars from Jennifer Lawrence's date

She’s the girl Jennifer grabbed when she took a tumble on the red carpet.

GLITZ, GLAMOUR AND Hollywood hierarchy are generally the first things that spring to mind when you mention the Oscars.

However, it ain’t just the rich and famous who show up for the Academy Awards. There are a fair few average Joes milling about the place too.

Jennifer Lawrence brought her non famous BFF Laura Simpson along this year, and the rather clever lass has written a pretty fascinating account of her experience for MySpace.

She’s the one JLaw almost took down when she tumbled. Let’s see that again, shall we?

Here are just 12 things we learned from Laura’s rather entertaining piece, which you can read in full right here.

1. They’re not kidding about security

I think the most interesting thing that they don’t show anyone on TV is the street leading up to the Oscars. Highland (between Sunset and Hollywood) is filled with barricades with different entry points so no crazy person can plow their car through, killing everyone on the red carpet. Guarding each entry point through the barricades are men in head to toe camouflage with gigantic automatic weapons (rifles? I don’t know guns). I try to take a photo of one and I’m stopped immediately.

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2. The adoring public aren’t the only ones who show up

Right before you get to the red carpet, you get to Westboro Baptists with huge yellow signs of pictures of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Paul Walker saying “BURNING IN HELL” and other despicable things. It’s so surreal and hate-filled, I feel like I am heading to my own personal Salem Witch Trial. One thing is for sure: They think we’re all going to hell.

3. Nobody cares about non-famous people

We finally arrive at the red carpet and as we exit the car, my date eats sh*t and uses my freshly done Lauren Conrad up do to break her fall. The crowd goes wild. There are flashbulbs and people circling yet no one asks if I need any help because unless you are famous at the Oscars, you are completely invisible. I have never experienced anything like it.

4. At all

The only time anyone talks to you is if you are in the way of his or her photo. Oh and photographers on the carpet yell “YOU IN THE HUGE DRESS, GET OUT OF THE F**KING SHOT.” It’s incredible. It is no wonder actors are crazy.

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5. The girls still have the chats in the jacks

Jessica Biel holds the door open for me and compliments my dress—no human being should be allowed to have her face and body. I get inside and Margot Robbie from Wolf of Wall Street shows me her Kardashian-sized diamond ring in line for the toilet and says “I feel like a guy with a gun should be following me—I could be halfway to Mexico with this by now.”

6. Normal people don’t get good seats

The show begins and I am seated directly behind the camera’s crane, so unless people are to either side of center stage, I can’t see jack sh*t.

7. It’s actually a hellish experience

After waiting for my date’s category, her dad and I decide to hit the bar and just watch from the monitor behind the bar and slam a few drinks to make this tolerable.

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8. And you will spend most of the night feeling hungry

The Academy really needs to spring for more hors d’oeuvres options because now everyone is hammered. My date comes out after her category and we decide to watch the rest of the show in the greenroom where there is pizza

9. There may be an opportunity to sniff Brad Pitt though

After the show we go backstage where I meet Brad and Angelina. Brad Pitt smells amazing, like nothing I’ve ever smelled. Eventually we ask what cologne he’s wearing and he tells us, “I don’t wear cologne, it’s just my musk I guess.” I have to choose not to believe him because it would just be unfair to mankind. Angelina is gorgeous and elegant and they are like The Sun and The Moon.

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10. Nobody cares about you at the after party either

The show ends and we’re ready to party. Everyone goes to Vanity Fair where, much like the Oscars, photographers yell at you and no one gives a sh*t that you are a human being unless you’re famous.

11. Bill Murray MAY make your night

I get tired of this and decide to follow Bill Murray around the party. At one point he looks in my direction and winks at me while dancing to “If You Want My Body and You Think I’m Sexy” by Rod Stewart—a moment, I now realize, my whole life had been leading up to.

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12. And you won’t feel like Cinderella when you head off home

I get home around 3:30 a.m. with an earring/hair headache and major Barbie feet.

Who wants to bring us along next year?

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