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Dublin: 11 °C Thursday 17 October, 2019

The 18 stages of having a browse on LinkedIn

It’s a whole different world on there.

jeff weiner Source: LinkedIn

1. Log on for the first time in a year after clapping eyes on the growing pile of LinkedIn emails in your inbox. Maybe a hot-shot CEO has offered you an exciting position!

2. No such luck. Instead, find you have 40 notifications from strangers with white-background headshots wanting to add you to their ‘professional network’

3. Notice one of them has endorsed you for ‘Excel’ even though you a) can’t use Excel, and b) they don’t know you from Adam. What is the meaning of this?

4. See that a person you actually know has endorsed you for ‘being a shitebag’. Have a small immature LOL

gRTtuN4 Source: Imgur

5. Accept all of the invitations and immediately receive 40 automated replies thanking you for ‘connecting’

6. See that one of them has referred to themselves as a ‘thought leader’ and get a bit sick in your mouth

7. Look through the jobs LinkedIn has recommended for you, which range from ‘social media intern for Mayo County Council’ to ‘CEO of a multi-national corporation’

8. Feel happy for a moment that LinkedIn has confidence in you, even if you don’t

9. Check in to see who has been looking at your profile. This is a great feature. You love being able to see who’s been creeping on you

10. Wonder if the mysterious ‘LinkedIn Member’ you’re not able to see is like, Anna Wintour. You knew she’d come looking for you one day

11. See an ex come up in your follow recommendations and click in out of pure nosiness. Remember as the page is loading that THEY WILL BE ABLE TO SEE THIS

12. Revise your earlier judgement. This is not a great feature. It’s a terrible feature and it should be banned

views Source: LinkedIn

13. Hurry back to your own profile and start tweaking your job description and title to make it sound more exciting

14. Realise you’ve accidentally given yourself a promotion and now everyone is congratulating you, endless, endless white background-headshotted people congratulating you

15. Flee to the homepage, where you discover to your surprise that people actually post updates to LinkedIn

16. Read a little bit about how your goals will set you up for success and realise that you have lost the will to live, just a bit

17. Log off, drained both physically and mentally

18. But realise that your recent activity has sent a flurry of LinkedIn emails to your inbox. You will never be free of it. Never

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