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Dublin: 9 °C Tuesday 18 December, 2018

9 things people in long-distance relationships do not want to hear

Please stop talking.

SO YOU’VE DECIDED to b̶e̶ ̶a̶ ̶c̶o̶m̶p̶l̶e̶t̶e̶ ̶i̶d̶i̶o̶t̶ p̶a̶r̶t̶i̶c̶i̶p̶a̶t̶e̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶m̶e̶n̶t̶a̶l̶ ̶t̶o̶r̶t̶u̶r̶e̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶m̶a̶n̶y̶ ̶m̶o̶n̶t̶h̶s̶ give long distance with your bf/gf a go. Good for you!

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Fair play – it’s not an easy decision to make, but if it works out, happy days! (And if not, at least you tried, right?)

You know what’s not an easy decision to make? The one where you decide not to brain someone for making an unsolicited – or downright stupid – comment on your relationship.

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1. “Do you miss them?”

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No, in fact, I’m not entirely sure I know who you’re referring to? Did I go to school with them? Nawh. Not ringing any bells. Sorry.

2. “Well I mean, sure there’s always FaceTime.”

No Suzanne, we actually prefer to communicate via the lost art of semaphore, actually. Y’know, keep things exciting.

3. “Sure, with the internet and all it’ll be much easier.”

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Cool Geraldine, why don’t you nip off to Oz so and speak to your boyf once a week, at best, at all hours of the morning, if it’s so bloody easy?

4. “If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.”

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Glad you’re putting that Philosophy degree to good use, Socrates.

5. “How long are they are away for?”

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Long enough Dave. Long. Enough.

6. “Are you excited to see them again?”

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Nope. Not at all. Not even a small bit.

7. “Sure isn’t it great that ye have that trust!”

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You can take whatever you’re implying and f*ck it sky high, Caroline.

8. “The time’s flying isn’t it?”

Jesus, didn’t realise you were sleeping with them as well.

9. “They’ll be back before you know it!”

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