1. The band that pops up at the wedding would be Aslan, and they would be playing Crazy World
2. This guy would just send a mortifying drunk text and then delete it the next morning and go back to never talking to his best friend’s wife again
3. The Taoiseach would address the British Prime Minster with a rousing speech of Irish defiance
We may be a small country, but we’re a great one, too. The country of Anne Doyle, Graham Norton, U2, Brian O’Driscoll, Saoirse Ronan. John Walter’s right foot. John Walter’s left foot, come to that. And a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend.
And the Prime Minister would be like “what are you on about? This is a press conference.”
4. Jamie would travel to his apartment in Bulgaria to write because he bought his holiday home there at the height of the boom
He couldn’t afford a place in Portugal in 2006.
5. Billy Mack would be doing a Christmas version of Six’s Whole Lotta Lovin’
“There’s a whole lot of Christmas going on, in my heart.”
6. And he would be up against Hometown for the Christmas number one slot
7. The Taoiseach would be dancing around the gaff to Maniac 2000
8. The worst thing that would happen to Jamie’s manuscript would be it gets slightly damp from the poor insulation in his Bulgarian apartment
The tiny balcony isn’t big enough to support his typewriter either.
On the plus side though – no literary tragedy involving half naked swimming.
9. Sam and his stepdad would throw on Once to get over his heartbreak
“We need Glen, and we need Markéta… and we need them now.”
Perfect.
10. Billy Mack would make a controversial appearance on the Late Late, calling Tubs an “old flirt”
“Hometown are outselling me five to one.”
Then he’d promise to sing Whole Lotta Christmas naked on live TV on New Year’s Eve if he makes it to number one.
RTÉ would turn down his request immediately.
11. This work Christmas party would be a debauched session with absolutely no scope for romantic slow dancing
Sarah and Karl would shift after ordering a kebab.
12. This lad would be doing a J1 because nobody is stupid enough to permanently move to America to “pick up girls”
He’d test the water with his accent before jumping all the way in. He would still be insufferable.
13. Daniel would meet Andrea Roche backstage at the school play and get her name wrong in an adorable way
He’d mentioned her earlier, after all:
“She always said I should have brought Andrea Roche as my date.”
*uproarious laughter from funeral crowd*
14. And finally, the closing scene would be in Dublin Airport, and there would be loads of people holding up gas signs to welcome their friends home from Australia
Ah, Dublin Airport:
Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Dublin Airport. Those hilarious homemade signs always bring a smile to my face. I hear lads talking about going for pints in the local over Christmas and one lad regaling his friend about who he shifted last weekend. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.
*wipes tear away*
