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BTs

20 thoughts every woman has had at the makeup counters in Brown Thomas

Where wallets and willpower go to die.

1. Right. I’m just going in for the look. Charlotte Tilbury has a new lipstick out and I just want to SEE it with my own eyes. Nothing further.

2. I’ve heard that the assistants are nicer to you if you look like you have money to spend. Do I look like I have money to spend?

3. LOL, of course not.

4. Imagine going upstairs in Brown Thomas for anything other than to sneakily use the jacks. What would you be doing up there?

5. Ah, there’s the lipstick. I’m just going to approach the counter quietly, quietly, and pray nobody notices me.

6. OK, good work so far. They’re all distracted by the people who look like they have money to spend. Now if I can just smudge a bit of it on to my hand…

7. “Can I help you with anything there?” Noooo.

8. “NO THANKS JUST HAVING A LOOK!” My voice just went up about five octaves. In my extreme efforts at politeness, I have become a mouse.

9. Shite, this lipstick is really nice. I wonder how much it is. I could ask for it for my birthday. People are always asking me what I want for my birthday.

10. Take care would they have the price anywhere. Oh god… I’m going to have to ask.

11. It’s €30 is it? And the matching lip liner is €20? Yes, very reasonable. Would I like to see it on? Ammm…

12. Now I’m up on a stool. She has me up on a stool. Oh you’re very clever, saleslady.

13. It does look gorgeous on me, you are absolutely right. I have lovely skin? Why thank you, ma’am!

14. Will I take the liner too? Yes of course… it’d be rude… not to.

15. What have I done?

16. Take your €50. Just take it! Take all of me, why don’t you!

17. I’m feeling bold now so I’m going to go to Tom Ford and SPRAY MYSELF WITH HIS MILLION EURO WATER. TRY AND STOP ME, TOM.

18. Thank god I left just €50 poorer. It could have been much worse.

19. Well, lookit. I smell fantastic and my lips look stunning, so… ?

20. I love my tiny BTs bag (I call it BTs now). I feel so fancy. I’m going to keep this forever as a reminder to never go in there again.

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