FIRST YEAR
1. Successfully wave off your parents without a big show of emotion, congratulate self
2. Burst into tears once you remember that you’re not entirely sure how to make yourself dinner
3. Cry more when you spot that patch of black damp creeping up your bedroom wall
4. Quickly realise that most problems can be solved with a can of Tuborg
5. Discover that you will literally sign away your soul (AKA join Juggling Society) if there is free pizza involved
6. Attend your first ever lecture. Have no clue what anyone is talking about. Panic
7. Develop a taste for Tuborg
8. Triumph on learning that real food can easily be replaced with Koka Noodles and frozen chicken goujons
9. Realise the depths of your creativity at 3am the day before your first major essay is due, when you write 2000 words of pure unadulterated guff
10. Find out that one lecture is marked only on attendance. Convince a friend to sign you in and never go again
SECOND YEAR
11. Move into a dump of a house with a crowd of mates. Feel slightly house proud regardless
12. Understand that you are now completely unfazed by patches of damp
13. Discover one friend’s disgusting habits and wonder if it was a mistake to open up your life to these people
14. Learn to ignore the beer cans filled with cigarette ash that populate every surface of the house
15. Become an expert at forgetting to ring your mam
16. Forget to ring your mam so much that she has to contact you through one of your housemates
17. Discover that it is near-on impossible for two people to sleep comfortably in a single bed, but do it anyway
18. Begin to sincerely enjoy Home and Away
19. Pass your second year through sheer luck
20. Spend your summer washing glasses in a grim American bar and posting obnoxious Facebook statuses about ‘the States’
THIRD YEAR
21. Come back from J1. Become evangelical about your chosen city but completely unaware of how annoying you sound
22. Move into a slightly less grimy house. Buy a tea towel
23. Feel the true weight of the word ‘thesis’
24. Choose to ignore the very fact of the thesis for as long as possible
25. Establish your own corner in the library that basically becomes your home
26. Beat your own personal record by wearing the same tracksuit bottoms for five days in a row
27. Develop a taste for Spar own-brand energy drink
28. Bind your thesis and throw it at your advisor. Hope to never see it again
29. Tell yourself that you never have to open any book ever again if you don’t want to
30. Graduate. Somehow. Go mental.
