IT’S HARD TO believe that MTV ever played shows that weren’t about a group of body-builders going on a night out together.
Jersey Shore was fairly entertaining at the start, but it marked the death of variety on MTV.
The network eventually began to deteriorate when it just showed the same groups of people (just with different accents) enjoying the same activities (e.g. Geordie Shore, The Valleys, Ex On The Beach).
In the early to mid-00s, MTV had a much more diverse lineup of TV shows. Let’s take a look back on what the best of those were.
1. Room Raiders
MTV would arrive at the home of a totally ‘unsuspecting’ individual, throw them into the back of a van and let them watch as a potential suitor looked around their bedroom to try and learn about their personality.
Despite the fact that these individuals had completed the application process themselves and told MTV what hours they would be at home (they never knocked at an empty house), they always acted as if they were completely taken by surprise and didn’t even have time to put on a t-shirt.
Anyway, once the ‘Room Raider’ got to the bedrooms of the three individuals in the van and got to look around, they’d do really intrusive things like shine a black-light on their bed to check for stains.
Afterwards, the Room Raider gets to pick their date based on which bedroom they liked the most. Sometimes they would do this while the person in the van’s parents were strolling around the house minding their own business.
Now, wouldn’t you rather watch this than Instagram celebrities getting mortal in Newcastle?
2. Next
Next was like Tinder before smartphones. Five daters waited separately from each other on a bus, where they could describe themselves to the audience.
Then, they walked out in front of the prime contestant on the show who could choose to say “Next!” at any moment, from the second that they exit the bus. Sometimes they barely had one foot on the ground and they were already being sent back inside.
They went on a mini date while a timer ran on the screen, during which the prime contestant could “Next!” the dater from the bus and banish them in exchange for one of the other bus passengers.
A forgotten aspect of this show was that the people from the bus got $1 for every minute that the date lasted. If watching people go home with $4 isn’t enough appeal about this show, it’s worth watching for the ridiculous fact files on the daters alone.
3. Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica
This show ran from August 19th 2003 to March 30th, 2005. Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson then filed for divorce on December 16th 2005. Is it possible that this show destroyed their relationship? Possibly and also probably.
The concept of this show was originally thought up for Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley after they got married in 1994, but they weren’t feeling it so it was shelved until 2002.
Most of the show was just Jessica being portrayed as a dumb blonde who was totally incapable of everyday domestic responsibilities (one of the most notable aspects of this show was how filthy their bedroom constantly was, tbh) like cooking etc.
The rest of the show was pretty much just clips of Nick Lachey spraying a hose out in the garden.
4. My Super Sweet 16
Between 2005 and 2008, our screens were graced with the most ungrateful, spoilt brats to ever walk the face of the earth.
The children of investors, celebrities and fashion designers throwing tantrums on television because the car they received as a 16th birthday present was slate gray instead of charcoal gray was very sobering.
It’s probably not a coincidence that this show was cut just as we entered a recession, but Fine Gael will be delighted to hear that it is being revived. The revival of My Super Sweet 16 is the only material evidence of economic recovery.
Here’s to at least one more season of watching the emotional torment of kids who are angry that their parent got them the wrong car, from the comfort of your home in a country where 30-year-old adults can’t even afford to drive.
5. Date My Mom
The concept is probably obvious enough. A young male or female suitor would go on a date with three moms to try and decide which of their children they wanted to go out with.
People tried very desperately to come off as if their relationship with parent/child was similar to Rory and Lorelai Gilmore. However, most of them were very clearly mothers who were smothering their sons.
Look at how pained the dialogue between the date and the mother is 1:27 into this clip. They look like they’re auditioning for Fair City.
Hilariously bad. Perfect watching for an extremely lazy weekend where you can’t be arsed to get up and find the remote. RTÉ need to sort out an Irish version of this ASAP.
6. Jackass
You know exactly what the voice reading that warning out sounds like. Nobody adhered to it. Despite the very clear warning, Jackass encouraged a generation of teenagers to engage in some very stupid stunts. Kids as young as ten were ‘playing Jackass’ in schoolyards, fields and streets across the country.
After several high budget films, it’s easy to forget how good Jackass actually was at the start.
They answered some very important questions in the minds of young people like “What does it feel like to get shot with a taser?” or “Should we be more careful while playing in trolleys in supermarket car parks?”
7. The Osbournes
The two most memorable things about The Osbournes are 1) the amount of dogs they had and 2) Kelly Osbourne’s potty mouth. Any Irish person who spoke to their parents like that would get a swift smack back then.
We’re all still pretty well acquainted with Sharon Osbourne from her career on The X Factor and various TV talent shows and she seems to still be a lovely woman. Where are the kids today though?
Jack Osbourne has got two of his own kids now, the oldest is five and the younger child is two. He’s also suffering with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis, an autoimmune disease in which the body’s immune system attacks its own tissues.
He has spoken out about his struggle with the condition that has given him bladder, bowel and stomach problems as well as blindness in one eye.
Kelly Osbourne is still busy as ever working as a TV host and fashion designer.
8. Pimp My Ride
Perfectly coinciding with the popularity of The Fast and The Furious series and video games like Midnight Club 3: Dub Edition or Need For Speed, MTV’s offering to the world of obnoxiously garish vehicles was not disappointing.
Well. Not disappointing for us. It turns out that Pimp My Ride was pretty disappointing for anyone who had their car done up on the show. Lots of additions to the cars were just for show and removed once the cameras were turned off.
Every week we got to see Xzibit take a beat up old car and bring it to a garage where it was decorated so badly that no person would ever want to drive it in public.
It was incomprehensible how the owners of the cars feigned excitement at some of the cars that were presented to them.
Imagine having to park this car outside your local Spar every time you need to run in for bread for the next few years.
The people who featured on the show have shared many of the secrets about the show online in the last few years.
One Reddit user said that he sold his $500 Buick for $18,000 after Xzibit had pimped his ride. OK maybe that prospect is enough to get you excited about a butt-ugly car that got a butt-ugly paint job and some subwoofers.
The same guy was asked if Xzibit really came to his house to surprise him and it turns out it wasn’t even his house.
They bring you to a house owned by one of the MTV crew members and get Xzibit to knock at the door for you.
As you would expect, they pay very little attention to the mechanical problems with the car and actually just blow the whole budget on audio components and rims.
Within three hours of trying to sell the car on eBay, he was contacted by Viacom and ordered to take it down. He sold it to MTX, the company that made all of the speakers that were added to the car.
Despite all of that, it was still very entertaining to watch because at least it wasn’t your car they were painting neon green.
Honourable mentions:
Dirty Sanchez (showed that European people are even more idiotic and extreme than Americans sometimes), Viva La Bam (Bam’s mother had the patience of a saint), Cribs (obviously an iconic TV show, nothing needs to be added) and Punk’d.
