1. “My hair actually looks lovely today. What am I doing here? Maybe I should just cancel.”
This is a trick your hair plays on you for some bizarre reason. A trick we never learn to identify.
2. “€250 is the quote for a cut and colour, is it? Yes, perfect.”
What did you just agree to, you fool? How did they come to that number? You shouldn’t be trusted with money at all.
3. “Olaplex? What is Olaplex? Whatever it is, it isn’t free, is it. Of course it’s not.”
But you’ll say yes anyway. Anything for a peaceful life.
4. “Oh dear. Now she’s saying things like ‘t-bar’ and ‘graduated’.”
Say yes again. It’ll be fine.
5. “Is that really what I look like?”
Yep. You there, with your wet hair and your huge face, wearing a giant bib. That’s what you look like.
6. “That’s SURELY more than two inches.”
She’s going at such speed. She can’t know exactly what she’s doing. This is madness.
7. “No, I am most definitely bald. The power has gone to her head.”
There’s enough on the ground to make several toupées.
8. ”How long more am I to be left under this thing? She’s gone and forgotten about me.”
You’re on your fourth go of the same Hello Magazine. You’re learning things. Peter Andre’s new baby is a boy and Princess Charlene of Monaco wore an Armani dress to the Red Cross Gala.
9. “She’s blowdrying my hair and talking to me at the same time. I can’t hear a word. Is this important information?”
Just say “Mmm!” and hope she wasn’t asking if you wanted a full fringe.
10. “Oh god, this isn’t the finished product. It couldn’t be. I look like my mam. Help!”
It’s not. But they always pause at a crucial moment, just to put the fear of God in you that it might be.
11. “TIP! The tip. Oh no, the tip.”
How much is right? How much is fair? Will they accept it or try to give it back to me?
12. “I feel like a granda trying to slip a tenner to his grandchild. This will never not be awkward.”
13. ”Everyone on the street knows I’ve just gotten my hair done and they’re LOOKING at me.”
Spoiler alert: No one is looking at you.
14. “I feel very self-conscious just sauntering into work with my new hair. I don’t want any fuss. Just maybe a compliment or two.”
Spoiler alert: No one is looking at you. Still.
15. “No one has said anything about my hair. They don’t like it. It’s very bad. Oh, mercy.”
Just stop the world. Let us off.
