Dublin: 1 °C Wednesday 7 December, 2022

For everyone out there with a crippling addiction to Penneys candles

Same girl, same. *inhales deeply*

THE PRIMARK EMPIRE is built on candles. Trust us. They’re what keeps everyone coming back for more. It’s genius, really.

You never go in to buy one purposefully

You’re always pottering around, picking up the few bits, when suddenly… the candles. There they are. Looking at you.

You go around sniffing each one in turn

This is a very important ritual. No trip to Penneys is complete without it.

Then you spend a shameful amount of money on them in one go

Thirty of your finest Irish euros on scented wax. Your mother would weep.

And then regret it after you feel the weight of the bloody bag

Eh, can you triple bag that please.

You stock up if you like a particular scent, because who knows if you’ll ever see it again

That’s Penneys for you. Always breaking your heart.

But they just make you feel so FANCY

Who needs you, Diptyque. Feck off, Jo Malone. A €2.50 Penneys Champagne and White Rose candle and you’re away.

And like an actual grownup

That’s what adults do, right? Light candles and relax after a long day?

No one needs to know it’s an addiction

It’s fine. If you need us, we’ll be in the homewares section. Again.

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