THE AVERAGE HUMAN spends 10 years of their life in the queue for a nightclub toilet. Fact.
Well, it seems like that anyway. We’d bet anything that you’ve run into some of these jacks dwellers while loitering in the never-ending queues of the infamous Nightclub Jacks.
1. The crier
The crier can usually be found propped up against the wall by their friends as they attempt to console them because something has gone horrifically wrong inside, like their significant other shifting some one else on the dance-floor or someone’s wearing the same outfit as them.
Clear a cubicle, the crier is coming through.
2. Your new best pal
They’re standing in line, chatty, have had a tipple, and they’re bored. You’re there, they’re there, why not have the best most hilarious chat you’ve ever participated in? Your heart slightly sinks when the cubicle door opens and you’re up to meet the man about the dog.
Farewell, forever, friend. Nay, soulmate.
3. The sneaky boozer
Nightclub toilets are where the hidden naggins come out to play. You’ve got them past the doormen but risking the pour or consuming in the club area itself is just far too risky. Into the cubicle you go, bringing your glass of coke in there isn’t suspicious at all.
Just don’t pretend that everyone can’t hear you.
4. The mirror hogger
You feel self-concious checking your hair in the mirror for more than a few seconds, while this lot have no qualms hogging the sinks and mirror space for longer than is ever needed, spraying themselves or reapplying make-up while you choke on the cloud they leave behind.
Bonus points if some gas ticket chimes in with WILL YE STOP, YER GURJUS.
5. The selfie sisters
They’ve gone to the toilet together for the sole purpose of taking trillions of selfies in the full-length mirror. There’s absolutely no need to let those dresses go to waste.
6. The concerned friend
This guy will stumble in in a panic, knocking on doors, looking for their friend who went for a wander. When they eventually find them, it’s your cue to clear off.
7. The impatient skipper
They’re “bursting, PLEEEEEASE”. Translation: They’re having so much fun and don’t want to be kept away from their drink and the dance-floor for too long.
8. The good Samaritan
These stingy feckers use every spray, lotion, potion and chew ALL of the gum laid out, only to dash off promising the attendant that they’ll be back so will tip in one lump sum. They won’t.
9. The toilet attendant
Generally pissed off by all of the above, seen handing out tissue and being called ‘pure sound’ by everyone who encounters them. TISSUE, LEGEND. Without them, nay a single beer-grasping hand would be dried. Let us give thanks.
