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24 characters from Love Actually, ranked from worst to best

Christmas is all around us/And so the feeling grows

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TAKE A DEEP breath.

Here we go…

24. Ugh, this guy

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Ugh, this fool.

If you haven’t seen Love Actually in a while, here’s a quick refresher course on Mark’s arc in the film.

  • He serves as best man for his best mate’s wedding where he organises an All You Need Is Love flashmob. Thoughtful gesture!
  • But that’s later coloured by the fact that he’s actually in love with best friend’s wife, Keira Knightley. (We say “in love”. He’s actually never spoken to her.)
  • In fact, he’s so “in love” with her that he makes a wedding video that’s comprised entirely of close-up shots of her.
  • When she finds this video, he has a bit of a breakdown and goes on a brisk walk around London.
  • But instead of leaving the poor couple alone, he decides to go to their house to seek closure and declare his love to Keira Knightley through a series of cue cards.

Ugh, I’m exhausted just thinking about him.

23. This gal

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Mia is the much-maligned ‘other woman’ in Love Actually and she’s just plain exhausting. Most of this is down to the one-dimensional writing that portrays her as a gold-digging villainess — she literally wears devil ears at a party — and nothing more.

Nonetheless you’re still like, “Girl, stop going all Basic Instinct on Alan Rickman, you’re stressing me out!”

22. The President of the United States (Billy Bob Thornton)

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For trying it on with Martine McCutcheon and irrevocably damaging relations between the United States and United Kingdom. Get it together, POTUS.

21. Colin

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Colin: the guy who goes to America to score American girls. Wow, what a noble, heartwarming quest!

Next.

20. Alan Rickman

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Alan Rickman, you are forever missed, but you have all the warmth of an iceberg in Love Actually.

This guy is so bad at having an extramarital affair that he buys a present for his mistress while his wife goes to the toilet.

Oh good, she’s gone for five minutes. That gives me just enough time to buy that woman form work a necklace!

Slick. Really slick.

Not only that, but he leaves said gift in his coat pocket for his wife to find.

GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER, MAN.

19. Hugh Grant’s mean secretary

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For making harsh and uncalled for remarks about Martine McCutcheon’s weight.

Tut tut.

18. Karl

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Sure, Karl is a pretty face with a fine head of hair, and sure, he’s a nice distraction for Laura Linney who is dealing with a lot of drama.

But he doesn’t have a lot to say for himself, does he? He’s kind of like that handsome boy you kiss on Erasmus, but have no interest in ever seeing again.

17. Keira Knightley

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Keira desperately needs a friend to talk some sense into her. Hun, why are you touched by this weirdo’s gesture? Why do you run after him and chase him to give him a kiss? (With no jacket on, I might add.) What about your poor husband?

Shut the door in his face and sever all ties with him going forward. Don’t reward his creepiness with a kiss. Simple.

16. Peter

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For no real reason other than he looks well on his wedding day and because I feel sorry that he’s betrayed by both his wife and his best friend.

15. Colin’s Friend

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For at least attempting to talk some sense into his friend Colin before he departs on his cretinous quest to ride American girls.

14. The little All I Want For Christmas Is You girl

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For delivering a very impressive rendition of All I Want For Christmas Is You, rocking some quintessentially 2000s clothes and being a boss at pointing her finger at the audience.

13. Colin Firth’s wife

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Look, we don’t condone cheating. But please consider how dedicated to getting the ride Colin Firth’s wife is: she feigns illness to skip a friend’s wedding and, as soon as Colin Firth leaves, she rides her brother-in-law.

Forgetting about the morals for a second, that’s pretty ballsy.

12. Aurelia

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Look, it’s a shame that Aurelia doesn’t have more to do apart from clean up after Colin Firth and jump into a river in her bra to save his novel. But she seems perfectly nice and their love is very sweet (if completely impractical) so we’ll overlook it.

11.  Laura Linney

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In Love Actually, Laura Linney stars as a woman who forfeits the chance to have sex with the man of her dreams in order to talk to her seriously ill brother on the phone. Saintly behaviour, sure, but also quite depressing.

*wills her on to ignore the phone every time you rewatch Love Actually*

10. Hugh Grant

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This guy isn’t in 10 Downing Street a wet day and he’s trying it on subordinate staff. How attentive can he really be to his political duties if he’s busy dancing to The Pointer Sisters and lusting after Martine McCutcheon?

*starts no confidence motion*

9. Martine McCutcheon

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Martine McCutcheon is so gorgeous that she inspires the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom to deliver a speech to the President of the United States to make a defiant speech about how Britain won’t be bullied.

That’s a pretty impressive feat.

8. The little boy

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Or, as Liam Neeson refers to him, “a wee motherless mongrel”.

Love this kid. He’s a sucker for romance and he’s unnaturally skilled at drumming. (Seriously, he picked it up in about a week.)

Nothing bad to say about him.

7. Mr. Bean

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Forget Mr. Bean. This is Rowan Atkinson’s most iconic role, if you ask us. Not only is he delightful, but he set a new standard for gift-wrapped presents.

“It’s a stick of cinnamon, sir.”

6. Billy Mack (Billy Nighy)

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Underneath his geezer exterior is a heart of gold. Plus let’s never forget the time he defaced a poster of the band Blue to imply they weren’t, er, the most well endowed.

5. The extremely cute couple who work as body doubles and get the shift at the end

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One of the cutest storylines in Love Actually centres around two actors working as stand-ins on a raunchy film. They get their bits out and make awkward small talk. And it somehow ends up being the most logical, romantic story in the whole thing?

4. Bill Nighy’s manager

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RAB C. NESBITT!

Have all the time in the world for this guy, tbh.

*tears up thinking about his friendship with Bill Nighy*

3. Liam Neeson

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Is there anything guaranteed to tug at your heartstrings like Liam Neeson playing a grieving widower? We think not.

Liam Neeson is in fine form in Love Actually. He supports his stepson’s foray into drumming, he risks getting arrested in Heathrow in the name of romance and he does any number of cute Dad things.

10/10.

2. Emma Thompson

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If you’ve ever had to put your big girl pants on and go about your business like nothing is wrong, then you will relate to Emma Thompson in this film.

She’s a beaming ray of sunshine even when you just know that she wants to assume the foetal position and just bawl to Everybody Hurts. She’s the human embodiment of Keep Calm and Carry On. She’s a treasure.

Love you, Emma.

1. Colin Firth

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And the best character in Love Actually? We’re going for Colin Firth.

Mostly because (a) his storyline isn’t depressing and (b) FALLING IN LOVE IN SPITE OF A LANGUAGE BARRIER IS ADORABLE! LEARNING PORTUGUESE IN TWO WEEKS IS LOVELY! 2016 HAS BEEN CRAP, LET US HAVE THIS, OKAY?

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About the author:

Amy O'Connor

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