Dublin: 13 °C Thursday 29 October, 2020

9 ridiculous solutions to the Irish border problem

What about sacrificing Liam Neeson to the border gods?

Source: Flickr

THE BREXIT NEGOTIATIONS are getting more and more tense as the issue of the Northern Irish border continues to be problematic.

People have suggested everything from an electronic border to drones. That’s not good enough people. We need to start thinking outside the box.

Like this caller to James O’Brien’s show on LBC who suggested microchipping the entire Irish population and making us have an Irexit referendum.

Here are 9 more ridiculous solutions to the Irish border problem.

1. Make the entire European Union leave the European Union.

Think about it. If everyone leaves the EU then we don’t have any more border problems. Everyone can have their own borders and we can live in peace for about 5 minutes before World War 3 starts. Oh wait, because of the EU we’ve had peace for about 70 years. Never mind.

2. Just paint over the border.

Ireland as a country has a great and very recent history of painting over it’s problems such as murals so why not apply that to the border? No border, no problem. I’ll get the car and we can head down to Woodies immediately.

3. Saw off Northern Ireland.

If you saw off Northern Ireland then it becomes a smaller island and therefore we don’t need a border. Yes Donegal will be precariously hanging on to the Republic for dear life but we can cross that bridge when we come to it.

Source: GIPHY

4. Bring Michael Collins back to life.

Look I know he originally signed away the 6 counties but I feel if we bring big Mick back from the dead, he’d want to prevent a hard border as much as the rest of us. Get the paddles, Mick’s making a comeback and this time he’s got more attitude than we can handle.

Source: WikiMedia

5. Change all the roadsigns in Northern Ireland to kilometres.

Like I said before, we need to be thinking outside the box. If all the road signs up North are changed to kilometres then you won’t even notice there’s a border. Eventually we’ll just forget there is one and everything will be fine.

Source: Geograph.ie

6. Give Northern Ireland it’s own Eurovision entry.

Everyone loves Eurovision and given it has magical powers (Australia is now in Europe, sorry I don’t make the rules) giving Northern Ireland it’s own entry is not the worst idea. They could do a song about the Good Friday Agreement and bring a tear to everyone’s eye. It might also make the British government actually understand it too. A win-win.

Source: Eurovision Song Contest/YouTube

7. Design our own customs union.

Look if we have our very own little customs union based on beef exports and potatoes then the border doesn’t become an issue. We can have no tariffs for the EU so nothing has to change and everyone wins. *I did not study economics so actual results may vary*

Source: GIPHY

8. Sacrifice Liam Neeson to the border gods.

Liam Neeson is from the North but we also sort of claim he as our own here in the Republic. Since he’s the best of both worlds, we could sacrifice him on the border on the day that Britain in supposed to leave the EU. Kind of how Aslan sacrificed himself in the Chronicles of Narnia.

Source: GIPHY

9. Make everyone in the Republic get a mandatory tattoo of Michael D.

Look if everyone has a tattoo of Michael D then we can totally get track of who is crossing the border. Also you could take your pick of beautiful tattoos such as Michael D on a BMX, Michael D queuing for an ATM or 1970s Michael D at Slane. The choices are endless.

Source: president.ie

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Rachel O'Neill

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