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10 absolutely ridiculous tabloid headlines about celebrities, translated

“She put on a leggy display.” Oh, you mean she wore a skirt?

AH, TABLOID HEADLINES.

So flowery. But what are they really trying to say?

We took a look…

1. “Amy Schumer shows off her VERY ample assets in a plunging white mini dress…”

ample2 Source: Daily Mail

Translation: Amy Schumer has boobs. But because that’s not a very polite thing to put in a headline, we’re going to refer to them as “ample assets”.

2. “Taylor Swift puts on a leggy display in tiny flared skirt teamed with plunging bralet…”

taylor swift Source: Daily Mail

Translation: Taylor Swift wore a skirt. That’s literally it.

3. “Zooey Deschanel, Jacob Pechenik Resurface Following Secret Wedding, Birth of Daughter”

zd Source: US Weekly

Translation: Zooey Deschanel left the house. But because that’s not that interesting, we’re going to say “resurface” and make it sound like she gave birth in an underground bunker.

4. “Jennifer Garner looks pensive on the set of new movie in Atlanta…”

garner

Translation: Here’s a photo of Jennifer Garner with a relatively blank expression on her face that we’re going to try our best to link to recent events in her personal life.

5. “Kendall Jenner narrowly avoids a wardrobe malfunction…”

wardrobemal

Translation: To be honest, we were hoping for a wardrobe malfunction, but since that didn’t happen, we’re just going to say she “narrowly avoided” one.

6. “Body confident Helen Mirren, 69, shows off her impressive form in a fitted lilac swimsuit as she worships the sun alone in Ischia…”

mirren Source: Daily Mail

Translation: Helen Mirren looks really well, so let’s attempt to take her down a notch by mentioning (a) her age and (b) the fact that she’s “alone”.

Did we mention she’s 69?

helenmir

7. “Demi Lovato Flaunts Toned Booty, Cute Puppy in Bikini Pic”

demi Source: US Weekly

Translation: Demi Lovato has both an arse and a dog.

8. “Michelle Rodriguez displays her sculpted physique…”

michelle1

michelle2

michelle3

Translation: Michelle Rodriguez is wearing a bikini and we are running out of ways to convey this.

9. “Who’s that girl? Make-up free Mila Kunis looks unrecognisable after sweaty session at the gym”

milak Source: Daily Mail

Translation: Mila Kunis actually looks basically the same, but any excuse to share a slightly unflattering photo.

10. “Drew Barrymore covers up in a baggy shirt… days after saying she was in no rush to lose her baby weight”

drew

Translation: And we’re certainly not going to put any pressure on her to lose weight. Nope, not at all. But if she steps outside the house wearing anything but a skin-tight top “flaunting” her bod, we will mention it.

That’s all.

Kim Kardashian just posted a completely naked selfie to prove she’s not faking her pregnancy… 

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About the author:

Amy O'Connor

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