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Dublin: 5 °C Monday 27 January, 2020

13 of the saddest properties that are available to rent in Dublin this month

Why so many of these properties look like the landlords found the furniture in a skip?

1. Would you like to live in the basement of the house from The Virgin Suicides? Now you can.

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Seriously, why are those balloons there? The fact that this is the most cursed image we’ve ever encountered on Daft really says a lot. The balloons can also be found in other photographs of the property.

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Somehow the photos only manage to get creepier. There’s something extremely sinister about this photo of the back garden.

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This property is located in Phibsborough and costs €450 a month, not including the price of all of the sage you’ll have to burn to cleanse the property and the future exorcisms that will most likely be necessary.

Oh, and you have to share a bedroom with another grown adult too, but for once that doesn’t even seem like the worst part of the deal.

2. How much do you reckon a set of bunk-beds costs? €200 maybe?

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Well for €470 a month (or €5,640 a year) you could have one half of a bunk-bed on Capel Street to yourself. Includes an extension lead cable-tied to the bedpost. This is genuinely one of Dublin’s most expensive bunk-beds.

3. If you’re scared of heights and can’t sleep in a bunk-bed, you could opt for a twin room around the corner in Smithfield.

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For the privilege of sharing this extremely unwelcoming bedroom with another grown adult, you pay €500 per month. It’s never really a good sign when they’ve got a space heater on the ground in front of the built in heater, is it?

4. For €700 a month, you could live in an apartment that looks like a photograph of your grandparents home in the 1960s.

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Sure, those wooden armchairs are quite fashionable at the moment, but not when they contribute to the vibe that an elderly person may have died here and left all of their furniture behind. Also, somebody shrank the fridge.

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This property is located in Ranelagh (of course) and is €700 per room. Yes, you’re sharing this property with another individual. To rent it, you’ve also got to submit a ’250 word description about yourself and a reference’.

Here’s an idea on how to start that essay “Hi, my name’s ____ and here are the reasons why I’d absolutely love to share a haunted house and a tiny fridge with a stranger.”

5. In this Phibsborough studio, you don’t even have to get up from the dining table to cook an entire dinner.

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Sit back and relax underneath the microwave while the oil from the egg frying beside you splatters on the right-hand side of your body. The dream. Once dinner’s over, you can just walk two steps to your bed to apply some Sudocrem to your minor burns before you fall asleep.

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Now, I’m no Dermot Bannon, but surely it would make more sense to give tenants a bed with storage underneath when you’re confining them to such a small space. Seriously. Almost of these tiny properties have divan beds with no storage underneath. What’s that about? Do these people genuinely want to make things harder for their tenants?

6. This ‘recently refurbished’ studio in Dublin 2 costs €920 per month.

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I feel like the property description needs to be added so that you don’t think I made the refurbished part up.

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If this is refurbished… Then what was it like before? A cave? The oven door is visibly hanging off in the photo. What previous state could that possibly be an improvement on?

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As always, the bed (divan – of course) is just a foot away from the kitchen/dining room.

7. This flat in Harold’s Cross that costs €900 and includes some entertainment.

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The entertainment, obviously, is an armchair so you can sit and watch your dishes dry. As far as these places go, this one’s quite luxurious, because the bed is in a completely different room to the fridge.

There’s no freezer though, which is incredible. It’s 2017. It’s kind of ridiculous to expect a human being to try and live their lives without a freezer – especially when €900 of their monthly budget is the rent they pay to live here. Tenants need some joy in their lives. They need somewhere to freeze food so they can shop and budget more efficiently. Somewhere to keep a few cool pops for when times get hard.

8. For €475 a month, you can live in Dublin 4. It’s not clear whether or not it’s actually 1.5 megapixels in real life.

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Is this some kind of artistic approach to advertising a shared bedroom in a property with other occupants? Or is it kind of like “What’s even the point? We’re definitely not trying to draw you into these properties based on their appearance. No, we know how desperate you are, so you can squint and guess what the property looks like if you’re interested”?

The style of photography is consistent throughout the photos.

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The furniture on Habbo Hotel is more clearly detailed than what’s featured in these photographs. Is that a shower? A closet? A back door? A portal to hell?

9. For €850pm, there’s this studio in Clondalkin.

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Here’s a headboard shot too.

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The real highlight of this property is the mysterious and slightly frightening property description.

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Furniture changes… over the year. What is the ellipsis supposed to convey? Whatever it is, it feels kind of spooky. Also, think of the poor working couple who settle down in this. It looks more suited to all of the grandparents that slept in the same bed in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

10. This bedroom in Dublin 4 to rent for €550 that includes a little office.

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If you close your eyes and open the window to let a slight breeze in, you can pretend you’re sitting at one of those tables with the Lipton Ice Tea umbrellas on a package holiday in Salou.

11. For €1,092 a month you could live in what looks like a ‘staff only’ area.

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It’s modern and clean, but why does it have a commercial fire alarm on the wall? Let’s also not forget that €1,000+ to live in one room isn’t a very good deal.

12. €650pm is enough to get you this property on the North Circular Road that really resembles your school’s home ec room.

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You know you’re right at home when your bedroom wall lists the protocol to follow if there is a fire in the building.

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Some nice chairs for when a friend comes over to watch the radiator with you. Then there’s this closet, which is probably considered to be a spare bedroom by many landlord’s standards.

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Again, this property is one of those ‘totally refurbished’ flats where it’s pretty difficult to discern what exactly has been refurbished in this building within the last 40 years.

13. Then finally, we’ve got this one.

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It’s not even that bad, but it really looks like when you buy a pre-made house on The Sims and then realise a little bit into the game that you need to buy an exercise machine to further your career so you just stick it in whatever room has a bit of space.

This one’s a house share in Clontarf for €500 a month. Not in the same league as the other ones in terms of price or decor, but it’s just a bonus property because it looks like it was created by EA Games.

If that didn’t depress you enough, you can look at all of the other sad properties we’ve discovered by clicking here

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About the author:

Kelly Earley

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