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Your life in his hands: Health Minister James Reilly launching Future Health this week. Laura Hutton/Photocall Ireland
Not the News

Here is the week's news... skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Irish all to live to 100; John Waters outraged for men (again); Ireland’s election to Human Rights Council ‘not a joke’.

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Waters outraged as Caesarean study excludes men

Monday, 12 November

A report on the number of Caesarean section procedures carried out in Irish public hospitals has been criticised for focusing on women.

The Mire’s maleness correspondent John Waters said men should not have been excluded from the report simply because of their gender.

“Where are the men in this report? It’s all women, women, women,” he raged. “Are we invisible? Can you see me?”

Mr Waters said future reports on Caesareans would have to focus exclusively on men to counter the imbalance.

Government seeks owner for billion barrels of oil

Tuesday, 13 November

The Government is to place ads in all international media outlets seeking an owner for a billion barrels of oil.

The barrels of oil were spotted off the coast of Kerry by a man picking winkles.

“Someone must want this oil,” a government spokesman said. “We can’t keep it. We wouldn’t know what to do with it.”

Prospective owners are asked to contact gardaí in Tralee where the oil is being stored for safekeeping.

“It’s gloopy and dark,” a garda said. “Call in if you want it but bring a trailer.”

Ireland’s election to Human Rights Council ‘not a joke’ – UN

Wednesday, 14 November

The United Nations has denied that electing Ireland to its Human Rights Council on Monday was a joke in poor taste.

“We’re serious about this,” a UN official said earnestly. “We intend to gently introduce the concept of human rights to Ireland during their three-year term.”

The issue of human rights in Ireland* is not expected to be broached as the UN don’t believe the three-year timescale is sufficient.

“We might try that if they get a second term,” the official said. “But how likely is that?”

*RIP Savita Halappanavar

Witness protection for Constitutional Convention citizens

Thursday, 15 November

One of the greatest security operations in the history of the State will see 66 citizen members of the Constitutional Convention receive new identities.

“They and their families will be taken into a form of witness protection programme,” a Garda source said.

“Obviously they will have to be rehoused before they meet on December 1st. Jobs will have to be found for them. It’s a huge undertaking.”

It is understood this is necessary as the citizens fear being recognised by other citizens.

At the request of Fianna Fáil’s health spokesman Billy Kelleher, a similar protection scheme could be introduced to allow TDs who smoke to do so in public without risking their health by meeting voters.

Future Health: Irish will live to be 100 by 2017

Friday, 16 November

Health Minister Dr James Reilly announced a series of radical initatives that will definitely happen this morning.

Launching Future Health, Dr Reilly promised free GP care by 2015 and universal health insurance by 2016.

“By 2017 everyone will live to be 100 whether they like it or not,” Dr Reilly said.

“This longevity will come about as the population changes its diet and eats only free EU cheese.”

“It’s people,” Fianna Fáil’s health spokesman Billy Kelleher objected. “You have to understand. Free cheese is made out of people.”

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News>

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