Wednesday 11 December, 2024

This story of a lizard getting trapped inside a man's leg is pure nightmare fuel

Good luck sleeping tonight.

SEANAN MAGUIRE IS an award-winning author.

Growing up, she was surrounded by all manner of wildlife, including lizards.

Two days ago, she revealed that she had gotten an alligator lizard and regaled her Twitter followers with tales of growing up with lizards and other miscellaneous reptile facts.

And then she told a story that will haunt you for the rest of your days.

It started out quite promisingly.

Okay, okay, who wants to hear about the asshole camper with the lizard in his leg?
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

Sure, that sounds exciting!

She explained that she once worked with a reptile rescue organisation.

So for years, emboldened by my ability to survive my lizard- and snake-filled childhood without dying, I worked for a reptile rescue org.
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

Rattlesnake in your yard? Lizard in your shower? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT IT'S HISSING AND ANIMAL CONTROL SAYS NO? You call us.
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

One day they got a rather peculiar phone call.

We get a call one day from a local urgent care. "There is a man here with a lizard in his leg." Naturally, we assume we've misheard.
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

But hey, the word "lizard" was involved, so we agree to come over and get the poor thing, which is probably freaked out.
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

When they arrived, there wasn’t a lizard in a sight.

We get to the urgent care. We explain that we are Reptile Rescue. We are shown to a room where a bloody man is lying on a cot.
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

There are like, eight people in the room with him, staring in horror and awe. Naturally, we are confused. There is no lizard. Just blood.
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

Until…

The lizard STICKS HIS HEAD out of the HOLE in the dude's ACTUAL FUCKING LEG and hisses at us.
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

Cue panic.

Cue the following:

"WHAT."
"It's in his leg."
"WHAT."
"Please get it out."
"WHAT."
"It tried to bite a nurse."
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

But how?!?!

So asshole had gone camping on Mt. Diablo, in an area where he wasn't supposed to be, and he didn't like lizards.
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

An alligator lizard got into his tent. He lost his shit, and decided to STAB THE LIZARD. While it was on his leg.
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

Oh God, oh God, oh God.

He missed the lizard.
He missed the artery.
He did not miss the leg.
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

And then, my friends, the lizard climbed right in.

Like most lizards, alligator lizards LOVE holes. They run right for 'em, to get the fuck away from assholes with knives.
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

And wouldn’t budge.

Once INSIDE THE DUDE'S LEG, the alligator lizard had whipped around, gotten into a defensive position, and refused to come out.
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

So, how did they extract the lizard from the man’s leg?

This is where my total lack of common sense comes in handy. I asked for a pair of gloves. I walked over to the dude. "Howdy."
"HISS."
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

I stuck my finger in front of the alligator lizard's mouth. I was CHALLENGING HIM. I was A SCARY CHALLENGER.
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

And hey presto…

The alligator lizard promptly bit the shit out of my thumb.
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

Once he was clamped down good and hard, I pulled, and like Jack Horner and the plum, the alligator lizard popped right out of the dude.
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

Give her a medal for courage or something, tbh.

The good news? The lizard lived happily ever after.

The alligator lizard, named "Bowie," lived for six years, sired hundreds of babies, and never lost his taste for human flesh.
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

Just for reference, here is what an alligator lizard looks like:

I have a NEW FRIEND. pic.twitter.com/6YPGyRmCYF
— Seanan McGuire (@seananmcguire) August 22, 2015

Seanan McGuire / Twitter

Now imagine that climbing into your leg.

Good luck sleeping tonight.

This couple hated being asked about babies so much they staged a brilliant photoshoot >

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Amy O'Connor

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This story of a lizard getting trapped inside a man's leg is pure nightmare fuel

It started out quite promisingly.

She explained that she once worked with a reptile rescue organisation.

One day they got a rather peculiar phone call.

When they arrived, there wasn’t a lizard in a sight.

Until…

Cue panic.

But how?!?!

Oh God, oh God, oh God.

And then, my friends, the lizard climbed right in.

And wouldn’t budge.

So, how did they extract the lizard from the man’s leg?

And hey presto…

The good news? The lizard lived happily ever after.

Just for reference, here is what an alligator lizard looks like:

This couple hated being asked about babies so much they staged a brilliant photoshoot >

9 graphs and charts Dubliners will know too well >