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Dublin: 14 °C Tuesday 14 July, 2020

9 secrets single people don't want you to know

All the single people (all the single people).

SHHHHH, KEEP IT on the down low.

1. We can do whatever we want

People in couples be all:

Oh I don’t know if I can come John’s mam made a pavlova and we HAVE to go or else she’ll disinherit him and she already hates me.

Pavlova - closeup Source: Fahara

Single people be all:

SURE I’ll come and drink wine at 4pm with you. I literally have nothing else to do.


*cut to six hours later*

Couple dismally eat their third slice of pavlova while John’s mam has her fifth sherry and continues her assault on “that shower next door”

Single person shouts “MORE WINE”, while being romanced by Brazilian models.

2. No telly waiting

If we want to watch 7 episodes of Parks and Recreation without having to “wait for Siobhán cos she’ll kill me”, we will.


3. No sharing

Please, consider this extremely valid argument:

When is it going to be enshrined in the constitution that if you want chips, you must order your own chips?.No, you cannot “just have a few of yours”. These are my chips. Get your own chips. #Chips

For single people, the #Chips dilemma rarely arises. Unless of course they have a Chip Sharing friend. In which case they need new friends.

French Fries @ Ten 22 Source: circler

4. Legitimate reasons to get out of marriage and baby talk

As a single person, you have a pass to look disinterested when the rings/marriage/baby talk goes beyond the legal limit*.

Ditto hiding rings/marriage/baby talk from your Facebook timeline and everywhere else in your life, really.

bbq Source: imgur

*15 minutes

5. No fighting about when to go home

We would bet quite a few European dollars on one of the things couples fight most about being ‘Here, I’m Gonna Go Now’.

Here’s how you play ‘Here, I’m Gonna Go Now’:

  • Couple goes out for the night
  • One person gets tired/the other person gets too drunk/they are sick of the sight of each other
  • One person says, in a dangerous tone “here, I’m gonna go home now”
  • The second person is frozen in a haze of doubt. Are they supposed to go home too? Will they be in trouble if they don’t go? But Aoife just got the Singstar out and The Lads arrived with more cans.


Sounds exhausting, doesn’t it?

6. No going to poxy weddings of people you don’t know

Or, the ultimate nightmare, weddings were your other half is a bridesmaid or groomsman and you’re forced to sit beside the bride’s mad uncle Banjo who’s a “card altogether*”.

Client: wedding decor at Nestldown Source: bittermelon

*picks his nose, tells jokes about “diddies”

7. We might WANT to be single, actually

Crazy as it might seem.


8. (But wouldn’t mind a bit of this too)


9.”Doing sit ups while watching The Gilmore Girls”

*drops mic*

32 milestones in every Irish person’s life> 

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About the author:

Emer McLysaght

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